In times of Corona (Just One Dance)
"So quiet?" , as if she could hear him whispering.
The night was exceptionally quiet at this beach side restaurant, although there were many families around.There was no moon, just a few twinkling stars here and there in the sky.The waves of the summer sea were surging higher, coming and pushing against the rocky boundary underlying this famous beach restaurant. There wasn't much brightness, just enough light to recognize people nearby, and Maawra was happy as it matched perfectly to her gloomy mood.
And even though she was alone standing by the wooden railing , looking over the vast expense of sea, she knew sub consciously that he was somewhere there, somewhere near her, hovering over her presence with his exceptionally tall stature,looking and observing, as if knowing exactly whats going inside her mind.
"So quiet?" , She could hear him again.
Probably she wasn't imagining him , probably he was really there, next to her.
She turned to her right and caught him observing her.
"The beach makes me quiet." She said in a tone that was strange even to herself.
"Or is it something else you don't want to share?" His voice was so smooth, for an instant she felt like opening up and tell him the whole messy thing.
"It isn't the bubbly giggly Maawra, whom I knew as my little friend". He said smilingly.
"your friend? " She added rather sarcastically.
"of course, my dear friend. I am sorry for leaving abruptly the other night Maawra, I have a feeling it bothered You."
"Why asking then, if you already knew the reason." she said sharply.
"That call was important", patiently he replied.
"And that coffee wasn't?". She asked accusingly.
"It was the most amazing coffee I ever had" he smiled as he winked at her. Maawra could not stop herself from smiling
"What an exaggeration!" she complained with a lighter tone this time.
"It isn't".he denied.
She couldn't say much. A silent conversation was prevailing. Only the winds and waves were speaking.
"Its a serene place, I'm glad your dad brought me here tonight, and I enjoyed the food too, some good memories ill take with me as I'm flying back tomorrow." he informed.
"so soon? ".Failing to hide her disappointment, she said.
"I am done with my assignment here and my office in Madrid is waiting for me, my dear. "
"So I'm never going to see you again, is it? " she voiced her fear.
"Why not? You know where and how to reach me. And I shall be happy to receive You and Your family in Spain next summer for a visit that your dad has just agreed to."
"Really?" She exclaimed happily. "Where was I when the plan was being finalized? "
"Standing here aloof , thinking of me." teasingly he said.
She could not stop laughing.
He was gone.
He had to. And if she knew it already what was this restlessness all about. For the tenth time she checked her wrist watch,
"9.15, he must have had his boarding pass by now." she thought.
Nothing was grabbing her attention today, nothing but he.
Still an hour to go before his flight takes off, she felt like calling him. And then negating her own thoughts she tried to concentrate on what was being taught in class.
But in vain, she could not help herself by denying. There was this restless ness prevailing which refrained her from concentrating in anything, let alone lecture.
Instead she texted him.
Yes, he was in the airport lounge at Karachi airport, waiting for his flight back home, back to madrid, back to ...... her?
What was her name again? ....Helen? ofcourse, how could she forget.
She threw her cellphone into her bag. I am not going to text or call him. Why should I ? Didn't I say Goodbye already, she thought.
The restlessness very slowly and gradually converted into sadness, unknown, unsaid, unexplained, sadness.
As if something deeply belonging to her was leaving with him. She didn't know then, only to find out later, it was her heart.
10.30 AM. his flight was scheduled, she was sensing the unfelt, seeing the unseen. watching him boarding his plane, sitting by the window , felt the jolts while his plane took off and then when she was checking on internet
if his flight landed smoothly , she actually landed down in madrid too.
She was in another world and another time. Never in her 21 years, she felt such overwhelming, overpowering feeling. An undeniable bond to someone she barely knew, someone whom she met for merely few minutes here and there. Someone who was nearly double her own age!
Back home, she fought with herself at being so insane and tried to sleep.
She knew it was a huge crush she will get over as soon as she would divert her attention to some other important matters of life. May be she was giving him too much of attention and thoughts, may be it was afterall her very own fault.
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So he landed, on a land he never felt related to. And why he was here, he had yet to understnad.
Barefoot on this cold marble tiled floor, just as the sun was about to set, his staggering walk was taking longer for him to reach his destination. And where was his destination, he was still not sure. He was like a small kid whose mother went to buy sweets and toys for him and could not return. He wanted someone to hold his hand, to pat his shoulder, to tell him, he can do it.
From "Babe Fahad" one of the central entrances to the Prophet's mosque, he had turned right. and now as he was crossing the unending path that could lead him to his desired door, he noticed his limbs were shaking, his hands had tremors,his heart trembling and his senses snoozing. Travelling across each continent of the world, it never occured to him, he will one day be in this city. He never wanted to. But there were some unseen forces which were planning sequences for him.
And he knew one of the unseen forces. At least one of them.
"Hello, hows it going?" she asked as he picked up his cell phone.
"Getting ready for a dinner, deciding what to wear" he replied scanning through the wardrobe.
"Wear white." she was prompt, as usual.
"Why white?"
"Beacause thats my favourite" , she chuckled.
"And why am I suppose to wear your favourite colour,mi amiga querida (my dear friend) ? " he smiled.
"Because thats gonna make you look fabulous"
"and you know that even when you can't see me"
"I dont have to see you, I just know, White is universal truth. We are wrapped in white at birth and at death, we wear white at Hajj, and we wear white when we goto Madinah"
"I never knew you wear white in Madinah." Daniel Could not take it anymore. He felt like laughing but he did not want to hurt Mawra Suhail, his best buddy.
" I do. if not anybody does. Thats my Prophets colour, so thats my favourite colour too. " she was a simple beleiver and he did not want to tease her beleifs, so he just smiled.
"ok Senorina, I'm gonna wear white tonight" and could hear her delightedness.
"And do that when You are in Madinah"
"oh comeon Mawra, you know this can't be. I shall never visit that city.", he snorted.
"You will. When I was there I prayed for you. Allah will call you to his door steps and You will then remember me".
Her confidence at times, began to irk Daniel Malik, but she was so dear to him, he never even imagined to hurt her feelings. so he kept quiet.
And now silent he was, wearing white, bowed head and with blinking thoughts he could feel her very close to him. Mawra Suhail was one of the forces pulling him towards Eeman, towards Madinah.
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The forty five minutes drive to home from Barajas airport Madrid could easily take longer than an hour on this bustling , rushing evening which is so usual for spaniards living in Madrid. Hailing a cab to home and am already checking and replying to emails on my tablet. The working hours are almost finished in the town so there is no use going towards office.
It was a hectic tour to Pakistan and I was constantly on travel across various cities, but the outcome was successful. Suhail and his family was so hospitable they didn't even let me stay at the hotel. just as Im thinking of Suhail I gave him a call that I have safely landed.
This is the difference in East and West.
Here in Madrid nobody cares if I am back home. Wasn't Helen supposed to give me a call if she was not supposed to pick me up from airport? Back in Karachi, bibi jan and suhail instructed me that i need to keep in touch with them constantly.They care,at times they care too much. And I don't know why, but I enjoy being cared this way.
And this brings an unintentional smile to my face.
She cares a bit too much too. Mawra Suhail. She was one of the biggest surprises for me around this trip. I had no intention calling her a friend, but honestly I enjoyed sharing things with her, she makes me feel younger, takes me back in time. what an emotional ride. one that you never expect from western women.
And now where is my western woman? where is Helen Martinez? I still have to sort it out once I am in the peacful vicinity of my home. Hopefully Maria Jose was taking good care of my home for me in my absence, as she always used to do. She is the only home member who has considered me as her own child.
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Restlessness prevailing.
In her 22nd year of life she had not known this feeling. She used to make fun of her friends who were going through such a phase. A blank stare in class room where she was hearing the lectures without actually listening to any thing. A blank mind when she was opening up books and unable to grab a single meaning. A blank laughter when she was trying to enjoy a joke thrown by one of her friends.
Suddenly she was being secluded. suddenly she loved being all by herself. She started avoiding company, she grew quiet. All she was doing was thinking, mostly unintentionally of someone she didn't even know. She was immersed in deep thoughts just to come back to surface to breath in. She grew to be an insomniac, she lost her sleep wake cycle. she lost her apetite, she began losing weight. It was all happening for which she had no controls. Constantly being with someone who was living in a far away land. Who was her dad's cousin, almost twice her age and beloging to a totally different cultural background.
Her earliest memories of him was of her childhood when she saw her dad's uncle with a foriegner aunty and their then teenage son. They were so different by looks that she was excited being with them. Her dad's uncle had married in Spain to a native lady and they had a son, Daniel Malik. Being someone with such unique looks and language , it facsinated her to stick around him and he used to treat her as a young child cousin.
There were a few more of his vists to Pakistan which were infrequent. He usually stayed in their house, he was very dear to Mawra's father. They were really good friends. It still fascinated Mawra to be stick around him whenever he was here. She had a deep liking for him since her childhood. But this time it was different. really different!
She was struck badly this time.
She did not know how but she was indulging beyond limits.
Something triggered it, may be it was his ignoring her or that phone call by his girlfriend back in Madrid, when they both were having coffee Mawra prepared that weekend.
And now that he was gone, she was wondering why her breaths were uneven, why her dreams were broken , why her mental clock was running with the time zone of Spain.
Mawra Suhail was in love.
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" Who is Daniel?"
They had just come out of their Ecology class and were moving down the stairs towards cafeteria when Sila surprised Mawra by asking this question.
"Why would you ask that Sila? ". She didn't have a better response to it.
"I will tell you why", holding Mawra's hand she ran down the left over stairs and hurriedly took her to the far corner of the corridor, where it was quieter. To Mawra her best friend Sila seemed starnge at that very moment.
"Since you have been acting so starnge for last few days and since today during the whole lecture of Dr. Shahzeb, You wrote just one name repeatedly in your lecture note book and it spelled Daniel."
Though there was no accusation is Sila's voice, yet mawra felt extremely embarassed.
Can I be this obvious, she thought regretfully.
"Whats wrong Mawra, can't you simply share it with me. You have been so distracted and disturbed. Is everything alright? At least I have a right to know who this person is, no?"
There was no reason but Mawra had tears in her eyes. she never knew , one day her feelings will make her answerable to people she love.
"He is my dad's cousin." she said in a low tone. "was here on an official visit, stayed for hardly 3 nights at my home, I met him merely 5 times, the longest conversation lasted 25 minutes" Sila did not interrupt her.
She paused for a while and then said, " He is a Spaniard, since his mother is a Spanish lady. He was brought up there, he hardly understands urdu. He is somewhere near 39. There is nothing between us. No words, no talks, no phone calls, he treats me like his young cousin and friend and that's it." she paused again and for a moment Sila thought she will begin weeping.
"He's gone now, saying I can contact him anytime I wish to, but I never even tried to do such a thing. though thats the only thing I would want to do these days. He's left but hasn't really. To me he's still here or as if I am not here anymore, as if I have travelled with him to Madrid." and with that , her eyes gave way to tears.
"Initially I thought this feeling of liking him, feeling attracted towards him will go away, but it didn't. I am so helpless. there is nothing I can do. I can not sleep or eat properly, everyone at home, specially mom, think I am sick, I can not tell them, I can not tell anybody what is wrong with me, since I am my self unsure of my own status!"
Sila did not say anything. she gave her a tight hug, there was nothing she could do for her best friend.
Mawra Suhail had to fight her own battle.
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The Azaan for maghrib prayers echoed through the air. It felt as if it was directly being called from the heavens.
People who were already coming towards the masjid, started taking quick short steps. As if that was the most important event of life,this Maghrib prayers, at the Holy mosque of Prophet Muhammad (SAW).
For those who were on their pilgrimage to the Holy land, it was, indeed. They had come from far lands, crossing the seas and mountains, travelling with easy means or much diffciulties, coming with love and gratitude, coming with heartcahes and tenderness a heart could never feel otherwise, coming with the ache to meet the beloved, coming with hope to be accepted.
And here came the dilemma. Daniel Malik was unsure of his acceptance.
He had now taken the turn which would lead him to Babe jibril. The door of Angel Jibril leading to the final resting place of the Prophet. Overlying the entrance to the Prophet's mosque was the large green dome which was the most famous symbol of this holy place.
Daniel held his breath as he was standing still, watching the overpowring and dominating presence of the dome of the mosque. There was an unseen tug at his heart. There were unflowing tears in his brown eyes. The shivering of his weakening limbs was intensifying. His breaths were uneven and he had lost almost all his energy to move further.
The congregation for maghrib prayers was about to begin. The imam was giving the final call. People were gathering and making rows even in verandah of the masjid. Daniel found himself illfitting in this crowd. He was unknown to himself. At that very moment he even forgot how to say a prayer.
He felt like weeping. He felt helpless.
He knew only his creator could help him out, yet the irony was he was unsure how to reach Him!
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She could not beleive she had actually dialled his cell phone number, for the very first time and that was very unintentional too.
But hearing his ever cheerful voice let her beleive it.
"hola cómo estás mi amiga querida? " he asked
"bueno, gracias senor", Mawra suhail surprised him by replying in Spanish.
"wow, wow, so You understand Spanish? , she could hear him smiling. And her reflex was the same.
"Just as much as You understand Urdu." after ages she was getting her old sparkling self back. "Does he know magic", she was wondering.
His laughter was just as vibrant.
"I am glad to hear you senorina but can not speak longer, for I was already rushing towards a meeting when you called up."
" Oh I'm sorry for wrong timings", she really felt bad to disturb him.
"Not at all mi querida. Can I get back to You when Im home in evening?"
"Sure, why not", though in her hearts of heart she knew he wouldn't call, but still.
"See you then and thanx for the call" and with that he was gone off.
For a while Mawra kept staring at her cellphone, "Did I really call him up?". She asked herself.
For days she was perplexed and undecisive about this call but now that she heard him she found herself in slightly better state of mind, somewhat relaxed, however at the sametime, waiting for his evening call was already making her anxious.
"Is there a way out, my goodness, will I ever find peace."
There was restlessness before, when she wasn't calling him, there is anxiety now, if he will be calling back.
Mawra Suhail was entrapped in the maze of love.
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It was nearly traumatic. This awaiting.
Even though she had the time zone differenc between them in mind, very absurdly she had started waiting for that "oh so important" phone call from the early evening hours.
That little ray of hope in the depth of her heart would tell her, she had to wait,he would be calling anytime.
It was quite late now, she had a test the next morning and certainly she wasn't studying. The clock struck midnight and then her hopes began to go down. She snuggled into her comforter , turned off her bedside lamp, which was the only source of light for that moment, and plugged onto her earphones to some FM radio channel. Lately she had been hearing much radio, specially the late night shows. some sad ghazals matching her recent mood.
And then when she was least expecting, her cell phone started ringing.
It was him.
"Hey amiga, sorry Im so late. just got back home"
"This late" she asked
"Its 20 past 8 here but must be terribly late for you, actually I thought I should not disturb you at this odd hour but then giving it a second thought, I wanted to keep my promise" he explained.
"I was waiting and if you didn't call, I would have waited all night long."
"How unfair. you should not compromise on your sleep for anyone amiga." His tone was like a big brother now and Mawra didn't like it much.
"How could I tell you I have become an insomniac since you have left" silently she whispered to her ownself.
"Have You had dinner?" she asked
"Just had it. Maria Jose wasn't home today, but even when she is not around, she would store so much for me in the fridge, I just have to reheat my meal."
"Maria Jose?" dang..... Mawra Suhail thought she was Helen?
"Didn't I tell you about Maria? she is just like a mother to me, my only family member so far. She had taken care of me since my birth and specially when my mom left."
And after a short awkward moment of silence, he contniued.
"How are your studies Mawra? getting good grades?" he was always concerned about her studies just like her dad. of course she could not tell him how her studies were being effected.
"They are fine and usual"
"Hows Suhail? could not talk to him this week, was extremely busy"
"Are You in touch with baba on frequent basis?"
"Yes mi querida. He is just like my elder brother, my only sourse for a family connection but above all he is really a good friend." she could hear him smiling.
"After all he is my father" teasingly she said
"oh yes you can take all the credit senorina" he laughed.
"Shouldn't you be sleeping now Mawra, too late for kids to be up"
"I am not a kid please correct yourself" she got irked.
"oh really, how old are you amiga, sweet sixteen?" he asked smilingly
"I turned 22 this july"
"wow , stunning, still that counts as a kid to me"
Mawra felt like throwing a pillow on his face.
"Ok. I think I should better take some sleep now"
And his laughter was unexpectedly higher.
"You are an emotinal angel senorina, I enjoy teasing you, but yes you should sleep now or You could not study in your class tomorrow morning"
And reluctantly she had to hang up. For she could not tell him, she had already become an insomniac and the reason was none but himself.
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He was sitting infront of Bab-e-Jibril, the door in the vicinity of the great dome of the Holy mosque in Madinah Al Munawarra.
It was the third consecutive day, he was in the same state, stumbling and wobbling he would come to the same place each day , standing and watching, people going in and coming out of the mosque. He knew this was the door used by Angel Jibril to bring holy messages from the Almighty, in the form of Quranic verses. Just thinking about the phenomenon and the intensity of the sacredness of this very place would make him tremble, until he could not stabilize his limbs and would fall off to floor.
He would sit there for the whole day , unfelt, unseen, undone.
He was unable to even join the congregation, being gathered there for five prayers a day.
He was unable to enter the Holy mosque.
There was this persistent feeling that would remind him of
his unworthiness,
his sinful life,
his unholy attitude
towards the sacredness of this Holy place.
As if his whole life story was being re winded for him, he was ashamed of his own deeds and could not consider himself eligible to seek entrance to this sacred piece of earth.
He wanted to seek forgiveness but he did not know how.
He was unsure of his acceptance by his own Prophet and by his own Creator.
He was going through a phase of transition, from darkness to enlightenment. Yet he was in the midway, and as one comes out of sheer darkness and faces sudden exposure to bright light, the inner soul of Daniel Malik was going through blindness in front of this brilliance of emaan.
He was moving up from the dark hole to an illuminated surface.
He needed a helping hand to pull him up.
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Its always exciting being with Helen.
Tonight she is looking sensational, nothing unusual for her.
What a better colour a woman could choose for a night out than what she has chosen already. When did she find out red was my favourite? She is wearing a crimson red double layered , flaring top with denims, to me it is a perfect outfit for this summer night. And there is nothing about Helen Martinez which is not perfect.
She is enthralling, charming, exciting, sensual and sexy. A few women could ever match her charms. Not that she is the most beautiful of all the women I have been with, yet there is this distinct style to her that is unmatchable. Or is it that I am going crazy about her and losing my senses?
Well, to this day I have never gone overly drunk. I never exceeds the limits of decency.
Probably the way she is looking tonight is making me addicted.
Or may be it was the abstinence of her company when I was in Pakistan has taken me back to her with much force.
Its past midnight at the La Corolla, my favourite tapas in Madrid. Nightlife in Madrid is bustling as usual. We are enjoying our tostas with beer.
"You are so tanned, Dan"
"Is that a complaint or a complement? " I smiled
"take it the way you like ", she charmingly responded.
"ah! mi amor, gracias. Its the blessing of the East"
"I can see that. Did you find some charming woman as well? " now this remark smells sarcastic to me. But I am glad, she is being jealous.
"I really didn't have much time to spend it with women there, but as far as I noticed, Pakistani people are beautiful."
She winced. "You are saying because you have roots there, mi amor."
"Well that's merely my observation, but then I never said they are any match to You novia."
"That's the reason I don't trust men, they are charmingly new for every new woman."
"Wouldn't you rather call it guts? " I winked.
and at that she flings her elbow in my left arm, and I don't even want to stop her!
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The large white mechanical umbrellas were gathered to make a canopy over the large courtyards expanding outside the Prophet's mosque. During sunny mornings and extremely hot afternoons the shades provided by these huge umbrellas were significant, specially for those pilgrims who could not catch their Congregational prayers inside the masjid due to heavy crowd.
Under the shade of one such umbrella , he was resting. Though he was still restless, To his right , as he tilted his head high, he could see the huge deep green dome, the symbol he was familiar with since his childhood. It was the symbol of the city of Prophet. It was the symbol of His resting place. It was the symbol of Islam.
A passerby went past him asking something in Arabic. He politely excused in English that he doesn't know the language. In a white long Arabic gown, if someone mistook him as an Arab, he wasn't wrong. He looked like one of them, with his tall height, strong built, fair complexion and brown hair, he looked as one of them.
At some distance an Arab family was resting, the kids were playing around, the husband was lying down under the shaded umbrella, the wife was serving qahva and sweet cakes to them. to Daniel Malik, they represented a perfect family.
Suddenly he found his eyes dampening. How unfortunate he had been. In his 42 years of life, he couldn't make his own family. He had many women, but never had a wife. He used to think children were a burden and something painstaking to take care of. He made a fortune by earning day and night, but now he had no one to spend this money with. He had all sorts of branded clothes and now he was only wearing these long white gowns. The most expensive hand made shoes he owned were of no use to him now, as most of the time in the vicinity of the holy land, he was barefoot.
He used to make fun of the people who did this, and now he was following their footsteps.
There was no set of rules or code of dressing to be followed in the land of Prophet, yet as soon as he arrived , he started obliging, he began following, he started resembling, his own Prophet.
A tear ran down his cheek.
"When You reach Madinah, You feel like doing what Prophet Muhammad (SAW) did, You tend to dress like him, You tend to wear fragrances he used to like, you want to pray like him and very slowly and gradually you follow his footsteps till you find yourself falling in love with your own Prophet (SAW)"
He could hear her whispering in his ears.
All of a sudden, he was missing her beside him.
All of a sudden, he wanted to seek his better half.
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"oops did I wake you up?"
On hearing his husky voice , she had to have a look at her wrist watch , exactly 10 am, meaning 7 am in Madrid. Was he still sleeping? She wondered.
But hearing his spanish murmurs, she could figure out he was somnolent.
"Mi amor, didn't we say good bye a few hours ago? "
For a moment Mawra was stunned, on one hand she was wondering about his unfathomable whispers while at the other his hoarse voice was taking her senses away. She didn't know before, a sleepy manly voice could be magical.
"A few hours ago? In fact I am calling you after a few days , I'm sorry to have disturbed your sleep. Ill speak to you laters." she said politely, still feeling guilty of having him wakened up.
"Oh , i am sorry , who is this? " he was coming out of his sleepiness after all
"Mawra Suhail"
"Oh dear, that's You, I thought.... forget it, is everything alright at your end Mawra? you don't usually call up at this hour."
"There is a long break before my next class and I haven't spoken to you for sometime so I thought to give you a call" she smiled.
"Great. and thank you for waking me up or else I would have missed my important meeting. Mondays are always difficult to get up you know" he was now sitting with his back resting against the headrest of his bed.
"Where is Maria? Can't she wake you up if you are late to work"
"She will never do that, when she already knows how late I slept. She is like a caring mother who cares for her child's sleep more than anything else " his smiled
"Why did you sleep late?" ,this was unintended.
I should not ask such questions, she warned herself, and deep down her heart, she wanted to find out who he said goodbye a few hours ago.
"I was visiting Ibiza" he lighted his smoke. "Spent my weekend there, and we returned quite late."
She did not dare to ask "We". Instead she said "Ibiza"
"A group of islands near Valencia, where one could reach through a ferry or may take a flight too. A small piece of heaven on earth. When You visit Madrid, Ill take you and your family there too" He said affectionately.
"I am not sure if we are coming over"
"I have spoken to Suhail already mi querida , You get done with your exam and start preparing for your tour de Spain" and for Mawra Suhail , these were the best words she wanted to hear that morning.
"I got to run now Mawra, lets speak some other time. Thanks again for your call. " hurriedly he said, already wearing his slippers and going towards washroom.
"When can I call You again? "
"Anytime you wish to, making sure you are not missing out on your studies. Now go back to your class and have a good day amiga"
With that he was gone.
But for many days to come, she could not forget the magic of his sleepy husky voice.
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It was a typical karachi evening. Cloudy and windy. As if they would have rain showers any minute, yet there was no rain.
The whole family was gathered in the lawn for an evening tea. Mawra had baked donuts, fried samosas and was serving tea to them.
For some unknown reasons, she was smiling and happy today.
"Aliza's wedding is scheduled in July" Bibi jaan informed while taking sips from her cup of tea.
"That's some good news" , said Amna Suhail smilingly.
"When did you find out Bibi jaan? " asked Suhail zafar, picking up one of the freshly baked donuts.
"Zehra called up in morning. They are all coming to karachi on july 4th" replied Bibi jaan
"Oh my God, this leaves us with a very short time Bibi jaan, I haven't done any shopping at all." Mawra was worried like any other girl would have been. Aliza was her first cousin, her aunts daughter, residing in Uk, the wedding was scheduled to be celebrated in karachi, so everyone was flying back home.
"As if we are done with our preparations!" Bibi jaan said promptly and everyone smiled.
"its good though, the kids will be having their summer vacations during wedding" Amna Suhail said happily.
"But mom , what about our summer holiday plans, weren't we supposed to goto Spain this summer? " Imad Suhail asked, making Mawra catch her breath for a moment. Apparaently he was more interested in his trip than this family wedding.
"Obviously we can not go." replied Amna
"Why not mom?" her disappointment was apparent.
"Since this is our family wedding and we have to do a lots of preparations for it, there is no time for the trip beta"
Mawra was heart broken. And a sudden realization came to her. That unknown reason for her happiness today was not that unknown after all, she was happy because she was told by Daniyal Malik that their trip to Spain was final. Just the thought of seeing him again had brought her cheery self back.
"We have a full month of June free for us, why cant we go to Spain in June" Imad was insistent, and secretly mawra was being thankful to him.
"Well something can be done you know", Suhail Zafar participated in conversation, he could not ignore the disappintment in Mawra's eyes and the agitation in Imad's voice. He was an affectionate father. "Imad is right, we can manage to go in June and come back well before wedding." he smiled.
Amna was apparantly not happy with the decision, she had a lots on her mind since she would have to host the guests from foreign conutries. But for the sake of her children she kept quiet.
"Dad you are great" , Mawra and Imad shouted out aloud.
She smiled once again.
There wasn't anything which could have made her much happier than being in spian this summer.
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Something happened in Ibiza that has stirred me.
The moment we landed in Ibiza town, to the moment we were back , I found myself entrapped, by the charms of the lady named Helen Martinez.
May be she was right, a recent visit to Pakistan brought a change to my thought process and now I was looking up to settling down.
Still the islands made a difference, everything from the harbour to the beaches, from the road side cafes and shops to the pottery display, from the historic Fort to the discos that we went to, from the beers to the tapas we ate, from the Byzantine to Muslim cultural heritage of the town, was making an impact and bringing my life to a change.
And when you are 39 years of age and on the verge of proposing a lady for marriage, romance is not the only option that you are considering.
Nonetheless, Helen did not give me much chance to think over.
She was one of the most exquisitely styled women I have been with.
We were on a boat ride from the San Antonio island to cala bassa beach , she was wearing a white flowing skirt with red floral imprints, a red sleeveless blouse, a straw hat and sunglasses to go with. With here hair flowing in the opposite direction to the flow of air, she was representing a lady of my dreams, and that's where I decided to finally ask her views about being hooked.
"Depends who is asking me into it Dan" , she replied casually.
"What would be your choice Helen?"
"Finance", just one word answer.
"You mean the guy has to be rich? "
"Surely you can not imagine me getting married to a poor guy. I want to live this life to the fullest Daniel, I want to travel across the globe, want to buy all the beautiful expensive things, I want a big house of my own, and this all is certainly not possible without money."
"And what about feelings Helen? What about love? " I had to ask her, that was the only way to find out.
"Love and feelings do develop with time. You know and I know its all about physical attraction, as long as you may attract your partner and satisfy him, there is no harm to the relationship" she smiled with a wink.
That was the only time I could not return her smile, since my idea of a relationship was slightly more serious.
Agreeing with her was not mandatory. knowing her views was. Marriage to me was the biggest decision of life, I could not take any chances. Though we belonged to Europe, still in Spain family ties meant a lot. And when I was about to make a commitment, had to make sure that it lasts forever.
I did not have a ring in Ibiza to propose her to marriage. But her charms did not leave me with much choice. We spent a great weekend there, and on our return to Madrid I asked her to move into my place, we still had to know some more about each other, before the final decision.
Everything was highly romantic until I was woken up by a phone call.
I thought Helen was being crazy calling me this early hour, may be she could not sleep all night.
"Mawra Suhail" , she said and I instantly sat up in my bed.
Why was she calling me at this hour?
The reality was much more than Helen Martinez.
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As dervish as you may become, you can not survive without ignoring your worldly needs, he learnt this while going through his spiritual journey in the city of Prophet.
It was almost a week he was in Madinah spending his whole day sitting in the courtyard of the mosque. Still he was unable to cross the unseen borders, still he was hesitating taking steps towards the door of the mosque. Yet he had been through some transitions. He was joining in the congregational prayers five times a day, he was making du'a after each salah, he could feel the tenderness in his heart, which he never realized existed before.
He would spend his whole day roaming around the mosque and then sitting under the shadow of the giant umbrellas near Babe jibril, he would sleep on the marble floor of the courtyard, while people kept on making noise and the cleaning personals off and on crossing his path with their equipments to keep the courtyard cleaner. Still he used to nap with a deep, smooth and peaceful sleep which was oblivion to him ever.
After Isha prayers when the mosque doors closed, he had to get back to his hotel room. He had booked himself in one of the finest hotels across Masjid e Nabawi, which was hardly at a distance of a few minutes walk. Inside the hotel restaurant he would quietly have his dinner and then will remain confined to his room.
Though there was lot for him to do inside this lavish hotel room, but neither he turn on television or for that matter his laptop to inquire about the worldly matters. It was as if he was going through switching of orbits, from this worldly circulation to the spiritual one.
From his window the pious deep green dome of the masjid was making a beautiful sight, he would sit on one of the chairs kept with the small round coffee table by the window and keep staring. He could feel the most strongest positive energies emitting out of this architecture. From his eyes, to his skin and to every tiny nerve ending hidden deep inside the skin was magnificently effected by this positive ray of energy.
It was almost a week he had not used his laptop. Not many people in his contact knew he was in Madinah. only a few in Spain and just one person in Pakistan.
Suddenly he picked up his cell phone and started checking his call log. There was none. No messages either.
So nobody needs me, his smile was instantaneous.
If not in Spain , that one person in Pakistan could have sent him a message. Though he kept on denying, in his hearts of heart, he wanted someone to keep his track, to ask if he was alright, to worry for his food and routines. What a humanly feeling that was. A basic instinct.
Telling himself, he had to check his official emails, he turned on his laptop. An then a sudden realization made him flinch.
The last time he had any conversation with Mawra, she was angry with him, and they ended up in a serious quarrel.
"the reason for no communication", he thought.
And on opening up his gmail account, there was just one email he was looking for, and it dated back five days.
She had written the shortest of the emails to him.
"I have agreed to what You asked me for. But I am not happy, I can not be."
He was struck hard.
They had fought over an issue before his flight to Madinah, and now she was telling him she had surrendered.
He felt his heart sinking.
Mawra Suhail was getting engaged.
Against her will.
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The trio gathered for a session of combined group study.
Their semester finals were getting closer and so they decided to gather at Mawra's place. Among the three , Sila was an old friend to Mawra however Saba had met them in university, though she was a new friend but they were going smooth being friends.
In Mawra's bedroom there were books and note books, piles of papers and three laptops, and they all were busy, less in studies, more in gossiping.
"You look so different without a headscarf Mawra", said Saba, she was seeing her hair for the very first time.
"Different? Do I look good or bad, different is a controversial word Madam" She replied smilingly
"Good" Saba answered with a single word.
"Oh and I thought I look good with a head scarf" making a sad face, said Mawra.
"You look good with a headscarf, You are beautiful without it, I just love, love , love your hair!"
"Oh you are trying to make me blush with embarrassment, but I shall not as I already know this fact." she winked.
Their mutual laughter was natural.
"oh oh , whoever it is who told you, you are beautiful? " Sila added
"Am I suppose to tell you all my secrets? " Mawra replied teasingly.
"Surely, what are friends for?" Saba and Sila said simultaneously, and then there was another round of laughter.
The sitting went on, they had their evening tea and snacks in the same room while planning to organize more such combined study programmes. It was when Mawra got up to offer Asr prayers and they both did not, She asked Saba and Sila to offer Salah too.
"I think ill get up for maghrib prayers, don't worry" , Saba said smilingly but Mawra could not stop herself from commenting. "A namaz missed is missed, time will not return my dear friend."
"Not everyone can be as religious as You Mawra" , though Sila was her oldest friend, but they differed in this aspect.
"Trust me, its not difficult, once you start practicing" , she said softly and went to make ablution.
When mawra returned, they both were watching another friends pictures on facebook and the non stop commentary was going on.
Mawra joined in smilingly.
"Who's that hunk?" She asked when a she saw one of the pictures.
"handsome, no?" Sila asked
"He is OK, not handsome", Mawra said
"Goodness, I thought he is at the peak of handsomeness!! " Saba exclaimed.
"Then you haven't seen many handsome guys in you life" sticking out her tongue, Mawra teased her.
"Ok, so let me see you definition of a handsome guy." Saba was being serious.
"I know I know who you are talking about Mawra", Saba was smiling and referencing to a previous incident.
Mawra quietly smiled and was looking for a particular picture folder.
And then she found it. It was one of the most memorable evening in her life, when her family went to Do Darya, at that beautiful beach side restaurant, with Daniel Malik.
It was his last day of stay in Karachi and in morning he had to flew back to Madrid.
She was angry with him at certain matter and he was standing beside her near that railing looking down at the sea waves.they were still speaking when Imad asked them both to look back and clicked a picture.
"Oh my God, Who are you with Mawra?", Saba exclaimed.
"My dad's cousin."
"Wow, is he single and available?" She asked wickedly
"Single yes, available not sure" She smiled.
"He is gorgeous"
"See I told you You haven't seen many handsome men yet"
"He doesn't seem to look Pakstani."
"He s mixed breed, a Pakstani dad, and a Spanish mom."
"Just check out if he is available, You too look great together Mawra" Sila concluded on a serious note.
Mawra could not reply. She smiled but there was a sadness in her eyes, no one could fathom.
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He was in the Flower street. Geranium flowers were hanging through the pots that stuck through the wall of this narrow street. And then at the end, where the street took a blind turn, it widened into a more wider patio.
It was early morning, very early indeed, the sun was still hiding somewhere behind the darkness of night.
He was walking aimlessly, when he saw someone sitting on the top of a flight of stairs. The stairs were enclosed at the extreme top by a black grill. What that person was doing in this very secluded corner at this hour of night-morning junction, was definitely not his concern. He could have easily ignored and passed through but there was something unusual which made him stopped. It was a sob.
And then there were continuous sobs.
He stopped at the bottom of that walled off staircase. and looked up.
It was a lady with her long hair all around her, they almost hid her face. Her head resting on her bent knees. She was wearing a white dress which was concealing her skin too well. All he wanted to extend a helping hand to her. She was weeping surely.
He was thinking of saying something, when suddenly she raised her head.
And he felt his heart missing a beat. Those wet and swollen eyes were so familiar. He had seen those eyes before. But they were speaking a different language today, he could not fathom why he was so blind. or was he blind now?
It did not take much longer when he recognized the face with cheeks streaked with tears. She was Mawra Suhail.
"Mawra, What are you doing here? ", All he could say were these words, though he was not sure what 'here' meant. He was himself unaware of this location, this patio, this flight of stairs.
Suddenly she stood up and then he realized it was a full length white gown with long flowing sleeves, covering her from neck to toes. She was standing like a marble sculpture, most elegantly carved.
And then she began to descend.gracefully, holding her gown as if a born princess would have done.
And as she was getting closer to where he was , she started taking quickening steps, he kept watching like a statue himself, was it her elegance or her charisma that had made him still?
And then before he could realize, she began running, running away from him. In a frenzy of fear he tried to grasp her hand, but could only touch her fingers.
He was after her with the difference of a few seconds.
But she was too fast to catch, over the turn of this patio into that narrow Flower street, she was lost.
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He was sitting by the pool in his house, it was a midsummer night, with the crescent moon sending its reflection in the crystal blue water of the pool. Holding his head in both his hands , he was in deep thoughts, he was in misery, he was in pain.
There was no one he could share his agony with, suddenly he felt the urge to drink wine. Alcohol could do something to relax his severing nerves.
But then he realized, he can not drink anymore. While in Madinah, he promised himself that he will not touch alcohol ever.
And then he saw her. As if along with its reflection, the moon has sent her to earth.
She was clad in a full length white gown, with flowing full length sleeves, from neck to her toes covering her skin too well. But her long hair was open, creating a stark contrast to her brilliant white dress. She was standing there like a marble sculpture , most elegantly carved.
And then she began walking towards him, slowly and swiftly, he could not see if she was wearing shoes, but she walked as if she was walking over clouds.
His eyes began to grow painful. He was in agony and could not even tell her. He did not want to tell her anything. And what she was doing here in this late night hour in his home, he was unable to understand.
She was coming closer and he wanted to run away.
She was at a distance of a few feet from him when he noticed a pair of pearl drops in her ears, she wore no makeup but a thick layer of kohl in her eyes, which was so Mawra. She never wore makeup, She did not need one. She was already perfect.
But there was something so unique in her eyes tonight. These were not the eyes of Mawra , he had known all his life. It was not an innocent, happy go lucky teenager Mawra Suhail. These were the eyes of a woman, a woman in love, emitting love, emitting passion.
She was looking like a passionate woman tonight and this scared him.
Daniel Malik was scared.
He wanted her to get lost. She was the reason of his agony and pain.
"Why are you here, did you want to see me in pain? does that make you happy? If you can not do anything to relieve me of this pain, do not increase it, leave me alone!" suddenly he shouted at her.
But he missed that one tear at the far corner of her left eye.
"Pain and agony? Do You think You are alone? what you are suffering now Daniel, has drained me out for last two years. And I know I will endure it through all my life",she said with a saddened smile, but when she smiled, a single tear rolled down her left cheek.
Suddenly, Daniel began to perspire.
And then he heard some sound. It was the voice of Azaan.
He opened his eyes to find himself in bed. So it was a dream. But this azaan in Madrid?
It took him few minutes to get up and open his bedroom window, the azaan became more louder, it stirred through his soul. It was an azaan for tahajjud prayers.
Right infront of his window, he could see the graceful green dome of the Prophet's mosque.
He was in Madinah.
And he had been dreaming!
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"Buenos días amiga", on receiving the call one morning, she heard him saying.
It was a sunny morning and she was on way to university when she saw an international number blinking on her screen. Se recognized the code but did not recognize the number. But then she didn't know many people in Spain, so it had to be him. But this early in morning? it must be seven AM in Madrid, she thought.
"What are you upto? I hope I did not disturb you at this early hour." He said gently.
"I am on my way to university. I have an exam in afternoon"
"Oh, best of luck. I am sure you are well prepared for your exam amiga, I called you because I need a small favour, I need to contact Suhail, his cell is off and he is not in office, is there any other way to get to him, this is some urgent work." he sounds slightly anxious.
"Dad is in Islamabad, I wonder why his cell is off, he must be in a meeting, but I know which hotel he is having his meeting in, ill leave a message for him there and he can get back to You."
"That will be good, just tell him its urgent and to contact me on my cell as I am not in my office at the moment."
With that he was gone and she was busy tracing and leaving a message for her Dad in Islamabad.
Though she knew he was not calling for her , just hearing his voice made her day, he always sounded so gentle, his voice had a smoothness that was rarely found, or at least that is how he sounded to Mawra, gentle, caring, refreshing.
Thinking what important work he may have with her Dad, she almost forgot she was having an exam in next couple of hours, until she reached university and was surrounded by her group mates, and they were busy discussing and revising the expected exam questions.
It was when they were almost half way through their exam , Mawra was shattered by the tormenting and horrific sound of a blast. She was seated by the window and suddenly the window glass exploded into tiny fragments and disseminated in every direction.
She felt sharp piercing pain, penetrating into tiny nerve endings of her skin, specially in her left arm. a few pieces also injured her left sided neck and forehead, miraculously her eyes and rest of the face was saved.
There was havoc everywhere, down on the knees , every student was being asked to take shelter under their benches. Mawra was losing her senses gradually, she was bleeding from where the broken glass pieces were tearing her skin, she was scared of what to come next, she was frightened of death, she was wondering if she will see her family again.
Suddenly, she saw people running in every direction, they could not keep calm, there was a huge bomb blast in the main university campus and there was extreme confusion and frustration among students. Mawra could not find enough energy to move on, her friends Sila and Saba were nowhere to be seen, and she felt as if she was about to faint.
And then she heard Sila coming towards her, she was on phone, probably calling home . But when she saw Mawra injured badly, she almost shouted and took her in her arms.
"Oh my God, Oh my God, Hasan bhai, please come to the class room, my friend is badly injured, we need to take her to hospital" she was almost shouting on phone, her home was very close to university and her brother was already on his way to the campus.
When she woke up , she was draped in white sheets with white walls around her, her left arm was wrapped in bandage, her neck and forehead wounds were properly covered, she could not remember how was she transferred here, all she knew Sila was by her side when she was fainting.
Her family also reached hospital by then and they were all thankful to Sila and her brother, who did not let the ambulance service take her to a government hospital, instead bring her on their own to this well known private set up hospital.
"Its alright aunty, I did what I had to, I feel so bad seeing Mawra injured so badly, And I knew uncle is in Islamabad , that's why I asked hasan bhai to come and help us, I did not want you to come to university, it was all so scary." Sila was explaining to Mawra's mom, who hugged her and gave her and her brother many blessings.
Mawra's dad was already on his way back to Karachi on first available flight, she was his only daughter and he was shattered by the news.
Quite late in evening . they were back home, after being discharged from hospital. Her injuries had stopped bleeding after being stitched.
She was comfortably put to her bed and sent her mom and dad both back to their room , as they insisted on staying the night with her. She knew they were exhausted and needed rest, besides she was felling much better than being in a hospital room.
It was her cell phone which vibrated and drew her out of her deep sleep, there was no sound, just vibration, since in the exam hall, her cell was set on silent mode. Still she woke up, as if subconsciously she was waiting for this call.
Instantly she knew who was calling. Probably in her sleep, she was wishing he would call her, she was not sure if he knew what she had been through, but deep down her heart she wanted to hear his comforting voice.
It was Daniel. She didn't know wishes could come true like that.
"How was your exam Senorina? " this was the first question. So he was calling to ask about her exam!
"There culdn't be an exam", when she spoke her voice sounded very weak even to herself, it was enough to alarm him.
"Why, is everything alright, something went wrong?" he was anxious now.
"Yes, there was a bomb blast at the campus and it was so bad. " she started sobbing and told him briefly
"Oh my God, how are you feeling now, does Suhail know about all this? why did not you guys call me?" He sounded agitated.
"Dad came back in evening and he brought us home from hospital, he is sleeping now. I am much better please do not worry"
"Do not worry? Are you mad? You guys are living in jungle, ill speak to Suhail in morning, he should move his family to Madrid, You people are not secure there at all."
She could not say much, she was already very drowsy, all she could hear and understand was , Daniel Malik was worried about her, and that was the best thought she could sleep on.
So she slept, with her cell phone by her ear.
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"Assalamo Alaykum Ya Akhi"
After fajr prayers, he was sitting in the mosque courtyard at his usual place under the towering umbrella, when he heard someone greet him. He was one of the khadims of the Haram.
The team of servants who is reponsible for taking care of the cleanliness of premises of the Holy mosque are known as khadims. They are categorized into various groups and shifts according to their assigned duties. He was one of them. And since in his white arabic gown , slightly grown beard and his european physique , many people who met Daniel in Madinah, considered him an Arab.
Daniel returned his greetings. The khadim sat beside him on the marbled floor. Daniel turned to him and saw his bright eyes, he was smiling very gently at him. He was an average heighted, south asian man, wearing the green colored uniform of the Haram Shareef's khuddams, he had a knitted white net cap covering his head.
"I watch you every day sitting here in the courtyard, even at times when there is not much rush inside the masjid, why dont you try to pray inside?"
Daniel was surprised. he did not know, someone in this far land, where he has no contacts, someone might have been observing him.
"I haven't been inside the mosque yet, though I am in Madinah since one week." He felt naive at explaining his feelings to an stranger.
"This is surprising. People come to this city to pay salams and blessings to the Prophet, to offer Salah and pary in Riyazul Jannah. Why you did not make such an effort?" For a khadim from south asian origin, his english was quite fluent.
"I feel I am not being called inside, I feel I am not being accepted.here." Daniel was suddenly feeling at ease with this stranger.
The khadim smiled." Do You think You are visiting Madinah uninvited? The two Harams in Makkah and Medina are the houses belonging to Allah SWT and His Prophet Muhammad SAW. No one dares to be a pilgrim of these two Holy cities univited. When you are in Madinah , be assured You were being called here, by Allah SWT and His Prophet Muhammad SAW."
"But then why am I so restless, why was I being called when all my life, I did nothing but sins? I had the weakest faith if any a muslim could have, I never followed a single religious instruction , never prayed, never fasted. There was not any sin I haven't indulged in. With this kind of history, how can I dare to enter this Holy place, I feel filthy and dirty, I feel I dont deserve to be here and if ever I try to enter the Masjid, my Prophet will not accept me in his Ummah."
He had tears in his eyes, a few rolling down his cheeks. For one full week, he was feeling frustrated and lonely, now he had a listener and he opened his heart out to him.
"My dear brother, do you think, you are the only one here with such feelings? No. let me assure You each one of us feels the same. As soon as we reach to the boundries of Haram, the whole life is being rewinded for us, we feel sinful and ashamed for not following the Quran and Sunnah the way we are expected to. Is there any one who is free of sins? No. that is inhuman. Why in Quran then Allah says, I love my servant who makes sin , then realize, and come back to me asking forgiveness. He is the one most dear to me. So at this stage, when you are being called here in Prophet's city, and you are feeling guilty of your past life, and when heart is feeling a tenderness that is making you weep, this is the time ya akhi to ask forgiveness. And tobah can cure everything, washes every guilt, every sin away. Ask forgiveness with the faith that you will be forgiven, as this is the only reason you were being called here, to be purified."
Daniel was hearing him , and his heart was flowing in a stream that was led by his mind in the path following the recent past.
He had heard her saying these words many times, but he always silently denied her and even made fun of her blind faith. How mature she was, and how blind he had been.
His tears were coming in streams now, Daniel Malik was crying. Infront of this crowd from every corner and continent of the world, he was weeping without an embarassment, for this was the place where one has to have a direct connection between the Creator, His Prophet and himself. Where there was love and no fear, where there was belonging and no guilt. Where there was forgiveness and no blame.
He could not realize when the khadim left him weeping on his own and when he was down on his knees with his forhead on the floor in sajda, making a connection that had been badly missing.
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She began dancing on a serious note.
Wearing a long , flowing ankle length red dress with black churidaar pajama, her long hair gathered in a french braid, moving in flow with the rhythm of her body. It was an Indian semi classic ghazal with sitar and tabla in the background, being played for her to perform.
Her feet were lighter than air, her body was flexible beyond words, her arms swayed with waves of music, her neck being more provocative, her eyes moved as a professional, her expressions heartfelt.
There was no sound but music, there was not even a whisper among the crowd, they were intently watching her every move, succumbing to the ambiance created by her beautiful proceedings., they were undoubtedly mesmerized.
She looked unexpectedly stunning, even to those who used to meet her every day. As if this natural flow of dance was in born to her, as if she was expressing herself through this medium.
They woke up when the song ended. And then there was a sudden burst of astonishing comments , loud clapping and rounds of applause.
Mawra Suhail has stunned them all.
Her best friend Sila's elder sister was getting married. Sila invited all her friends and cousins to her home almost two weeks before the wedding day. There gonna be full blown mehndi and mayun functions where all the girls were to perform dances . All the girls except Mawra.
Since it was an all girls gathering, Mawra had taken off her headscarf. Sila did not ask her to join them in dancing, since she was quite religious. She had already assumed that a girl who does not uncover her head infront of non mehrams, would surely not dance in public. They were deciding songs and practicing steps when at one point, Mawra suggested them to replace a dance move with another. She even performed the dance move which was quite suitable to the music. Sila was extremely surprised to see Mawra dancing so well.
Mawra was all smiles and mischeivous, telling her this was her secret talent that not many people knew. And on public demand she performed on a semiclassic ghazal with sitar and tabla in the backdrop, which stunned everyone. She was a pro.
They asked her to perform in one of the functions, she politely denied.
"If only dancing was not prohibited in my religion." She replied smilingly.
Dancing was Mawra Suhail's secret passion.
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A warm night it was, as restless as her heart.
She was standing on the terrace, there was a quietness prevailing all around her, everybody in their bedrooms fast asleep, except Mawra. Suddenly she had an urge to have caffeine. Her veins needed a rush of blood instead of this smooth flow or may be she needed a divergence. The books and music were no more helping her tonight.
Back in her room, seeing her reflection in the mirror, she decided to tie her hair in a loose knot, her light blue pajamas were decent enough, she simply draped a stole around her shoulders and went downstairs to the kitchen.
While mixing the coffee she put two mugs on the marble counter. Remembering the weekend night when she was watching a movie and on Daniel's return from Lahore, she was preparing coffee for them both. But even then they could not have coffee together.
When brought her coffee mug with her in the lawn, there was a sacred silence which she needed at that moment. At times we need to spend time with ourselves, we need to speak and listen to our own feelings. Darkness, loneliness and quietness make a decent trio. They launch you inner self out and let you face your own conflicts. You may confront your soul or you may find a way out.
She was sitting on a white lawn swing while having coffee. It was dark, thick and bitter than usual. She needed to alter her taste tonight. May be she needed to alter her thoughts too.
It was many days since she had lost her regular sleep cycle. She had become a night bird, staying up for no reason. And this was effecting her studies adversely. She had lost her appetite, her weight and her natural skin glow. She had lost her charming self too, had grown more quite and secluded.
Was there any reason for all of it? Yes she was sure there was. She was in love. truly, madly, deeply.
There was no resemblance between the two. They were from two different worlds. But did it matter? Nothing matters to Mawra Suhail now, she was at a stage of feelings where nothing matter much. She was sure she was alone in her deep feelings towards him, he would never reciprocate in the same manner, there may be affection , kindness or care, but the reason would never be the same for Daniel Malik. And may be he would never even know her side of story as she had no intention of telling him. Her feelings were so precious to herself, she would never like anybody to make them feel retarded or absurd.
"Mawra, is that You? "
Her thoughts were interrupted by the gentle voice of her father.
"Ji Baba"
"Why up so late? Everything alright?" he came to sit beside her on the swing and put one arm around her shoulders.
His voice was so gentle, for an instant she felt like sharing everything with him.
"No particular reason Baba, just wanted to have coffee. Should I make you some coffee too?"
"In this summer night, no way. You may have altered taste, I don't." he smiled gently.
"Is there something worrying You sweetheart? " he said.
"What gave you that impression?"
"Well, many things, It seems you are going through a transitional phase of your life, as if you are growing up or rather growing mature. It isn't bad to spend time with yourself, but its bad losing your cheery self. I miss my Mawra who was chuckling, giggling and talking all the time. I miss her laughter in my home. I want may daughter back, bring her back to me , will You please? "
Mawra was speechless, she had nothing to say. It was all true, there was nothing to deny. She just nodded with a half hearted smile. And was surprised to know, his dad was such an observer.
"You can share yourself with anyone you feel at ease with. We are not just your parents, we are your friends too, remember? Don't You ever feel alone my little girl. "
He was giving her another dose of surprise. How could he reach to something she had only kept to herself.
He brought her back inside and put her to bed like a baby.
She had tears in her eyes when she finally dozed off.
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The music system in her bedroom was in full swing.
The trio gathered for a session of combined group study.
Their semester finals were getting closer and so they decided to gather at Mawra's place. Among the three , Sila was an old friend to Mawra however Saba had met them in university, though she was a new friend but they were going smooth being friends.
In Mawra's bedroom there were books and note books, piles of papers and three laptops, and they all were busy, less in studies, more in gossiping.
"You look so different without a headscarf Mawra", said Saba, she was seeing her hair for the very first time.
"Different? Do I look good or bad, different is a controversial word Madam" She replied smilingly
"Good" Saba answered with a single word.
"Oh and I thought I look good with a head scarf" making a sad face, said Mawra.
"You look good with a headscarf, You are beautiful without it, I just love, love , love your hair!"
"Oh you are trying to make me blush with embarrassment, but I shall not as I already know this fact." she winked.
Their mutual laughter was natural.
"oh oh , whoever it is who told you, you are beautiful? " Sila added
"Am I suppose to tell you all my secrets? " Mawra replied teasingly.
"Surely, what are friends for?" Saba and Sila said simultaneously, and then there was another round of laughter.
The sitting went on, they had their evening tea and snacks in the same room while planning to organize more such combined study programmes. It was when Mawra got up to offer Asr prayers and they both did not, She asked Saba and Sila to offer Salah too.
"I think ill get up for maghrib prayers, don't worry" , Saba said smilingly but Mawra could not stop herself from commenting. "A namaz missed is missed, time will not return my dear friend."
"Not everyone can be as religious as You Mawra" , though Sila was her oldest friend, but they differed in this aspect.
"Trust me, its not difficult, once you start practicing" , she said softly and went to make ablution.
When mawra returned, they both were watching another friends pictures on facebook and the non stop commentary was going on.
Mawra joined in smilingly.
"Who's that hunk?" She asked when a she saw one of the pictures.
"handsome, no?" Sila asked
"He is OK, not handsome", Mawra said
"Goodness, I thought he is at the peak of handsomeness!! " Saba exclaimed.
"Then you haven't seen many handsome guys in you life" sticking out her tongue, Mawra teased her.
"Ok, so let me see you definition of a handsome guy." Saba was being serious.
"I know I know who you are talking about Mawra", Saba was smiling and referencing to a previous incident.
Mawra quietly smiled and was looking for a particular picture folder.
And then she found it. It was one of the most memorable evening in her life, when her family went to Do Darya, at that beautiful beach side restaurant, with Daniel Malik.
It was his last day of stay in Karachi and in morning he had to flew back to Madrid.
She was angry with him at certain matter and he was standing beside her near that railing looking down at the sea waves.they were still speaking when Imad asked them both to look back and clicked a picture.
"Oh my God, Who are you with Mawra?", Saba exclaimed.
"My dad's cousin."
"Wow, is he single and available?" She asked wickedly
"Single yes, available not sure" She smiled.
"He is gorgeous"
"See I told you You haven't seen many handsome men yet"
"He doesn't seem to look Pakstani."
"He s mixed breed, a Pakstani dad, and a Spanish mom."
"Just check out if he is available, You too look great together Mawra" Sila concluded on a serious note.
Mawra could not reply. She smiled but there was a sadness in her eyes, no one could fathom.
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He was in the Flower street. Geranium flowers were hanging through the pots that stuck through the wall of this narrow street. And then at the end, where the street took a blind turn, it widened into a more wider patio.
It was early morning, very early indeed, the sun was still hiding somewhere behind the darkness of night.
He was walking aimlessly, when he saw someone sitting on the top of a flight of stairs. The stairs were enclosed at the extreme top by a black grill. What that person was doing in this very secluded corner at this hour of night-morning junction, was definitely not his concern. He could have easily ignored and passed through but there was something unusual which made him stopped. It was a sob.
And then there were continuous sobs.
He stopped at the bottom of that walled off staircase. and looked up.
It was a lady with her long hair all around her, they almost hid her face. Her head resting on her bent knees. She was wearing a white dress which was concealing her skin too well. All he wanted to extend a helping hand to her. She was weeping surely.
He was thinking of saying something, when suddenly she raised her head.
And he felt his heart missing a beat. Those wet and swollen eyes were so familiar. He had seen those eyes before. But they were speaking a different language today, he could not fathom why he was so blind. or was he blind now?
It did not take much longer when he recognized the face with cheeks streaked with tears. She was Mawra Suhail.
"Mawra, What are you doing here? ", All he could say were these words, though he was not sure what 'here' meant. He was himself unaware of this location, this patio, this flight of stairs.
Suddenly she stood up and then he realized it was a full length white gown with long flowing sleeves, covering her from neck to toes. She was standing like a marble sculpture, most elegantly carved.
And then she began to descend.gracefully, holding her gown as if a born princess would have done.
And as she was getting closer to where he was , she started taking quickening steps, he kept watching like a statue himself, was it her elegance or her charisma that had made him still?
And then before he could realize, she began running, running away from him. In a frenzy of fear he tried to grasp her hand, but could only touch her fingers.
He was after her with the difference of a few seconds.
But she was too fast to catch, over the turn of this patio into that narrow Flower street, she was lost.
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He was sitting by the pool in his house, it was a midsummer night, with the crescent moon sending its reflection in the crystal blue water of the pool. Holding his head in both his hands , he was in deep thoughts, he was in misery, he was in pain.
There was no one he could share his agony with, suddenly he felt the urge to drink wine. Alcohol could do something to relax his severing nerves.
But then he realized, he can not drink anymore. While in Madinah, he promised himself that he will not touch alcohol ever.
And then he saw her. As if along with its reflection, the moon has sent her to earth.
She was clad in a full length white gown, with flowing full length sleeves, from neck to her toes covering her skin too well. But her long hair was open, creating a stark contrast to her brilliant white dress. She was standing there like a marble sculpture , most elegantly carved.
And then she began walking towards him, slowly and swiftly, he could not see if she was wearing shoes, but she walked as if she was walking over clouds.
His eyes began to grow painful. He was in agony and could not even tell her. He did not want to tell her anything. And what she was doing here in this late night hour in his home, he was unable to understand.
She was coming closer and he wanted to run away.
She was at a distance of a few feet from him when he noticed a pair of pearl drops in her ears, she wore no makeup but a thick layer of kohl in her eyes, which was so Mawra. She never wore makeup, She did not need one. She was already perfect.
But there was something so unique in her eyes tonight. These were not the eyes of Mawra , he had known all his life. It was not an innocent, happy go lucky teenager Mawra Suhail. These were the eyes of a woman, a woman in love, emitting love, emitting passion.
She was looking like a passionate woman tonight and this scared him.
Daniel Malik was scared.
He wanted her to get lost. She was the reason of his agony and pain.
"Why are you here, did you want to see me in pain? does that make you happy? If you can not do anything to relieve me of this pain, do not increase it, leave me alone!" suddenly he shouted at her.
But he missed that one tear at the far corner of her left eye.
"Pain and agony? Do You think You are alone? what you are suffering now Daniel, has drained me out for last two years. And I know I will endure it through all my life",she said with a saddened smile, but when she smiled, a single tear rolled down her left cheek.
Suddenly, Daniel began to perspire.
And then he heard some sound. It was the voice of Azaan.
He opened his eyes to find himself in bed. So it was a dream. But this azaan in Madrid?
It took him few minutes to get up and open his bedroom window, the azaan became more louder, it stirred through his soul. It was an azaan for tahajjud prayers.
Right infront of his window, he could see the graceful green dome of the Prophet's mosque.
He was in Madinah.
And he had been dreaming!
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"Buenos días amiga", on receiving the call one morning, she heard him saying.
It was a sunny morning and she was on way to university when she saw an international number blinking on her screen. Se recognized the code but did not recognize the number. But then she didn't know many people in Spain, so it had to be him. But this early in morning? it must be seven AM in Madrid, she thought.
"What are you upto? I hope I did not disturb you at this early hour." He said gently.
"I am on my way to university. I have an exam in afternoon"
"Oh, best of luck. I am sure you are well prepared for your exam amiga, I called you because I need a small favour, I need to contact Suhail, his cell is off and he is not in office, is there any other way to get to him, this is some urgent work." he sounds slightly anxious.
"Dad is in Islamabad, I wonder why his cell is off, he must be in a meeting, but I know which hotel he is having his meeting in, ill leave a message for him there and he can get back to You."
"That will be good, just tell him its urgent and to contact me on my cell as I am not in my office at the moment."
With that he was gone and she was busy tracing and leaving a message for her Dad in Islamabad.
Though she knew he was not calling for her , just hearing his voice made her day, he always sounded so gentle, his voice had a smoothness that was rarely found, or at least that is how he sounded to Mawra, gentle, caring, refreshing.
Thinking what important work he may have with her Dad, she almost forgot she was having an exam in next couple of hours, until she reached university and was surrounded by her group mates, and they were busy discussing and revising the expected exam questions.
It was when they were almost half way through their exam , Mawra was shattered by the tormenting and horrific sound of a blast. She was seated by the window and suddenly the window glass exploded into tiny fragments and disseminated in every direction.
She felt sharp piercing pain, penetrating into tiny nerve endings of her skin, specially in her left arm. a few pieces also injured her left sided neck and forehead, miraculously her eyes and rest of the face was saved.
There was havoc everywhere, down on the knees , every student was being asked to take shelter under their benches. Mawra was losing her senses gradually, she was bleeding from where the broken glass pieces were tearing her skin, she was scared of what to come next, she was frightened of death, she was wondering if she will see her family again.
Suddenly, she saw people running in every direction, they could not keep calm, there was a huge bomb blast in the main university campus and there was extreme confusion and frustration among students. Mawra could not find enough energy to move on, her friends Sila and Saba were nowhere to be seen, and she felt as if she was about to faint.
And then she heard Sila coming towards her, she was on phone, probably calling home . But when she saw Mawra injured badly, she almost shouted and took her in her arms.
"Oh my God, Oh my God, Hasan bhai, please come to the class room, my friend is badly injured, we need to take her to hospital" she was almost shouting on phone, her home was very close to university and her brother was already on his way to the campus.
When she woke up , she was draped in white sheets with white walls around her, her left arm was wrapped in bandage, her neck and forehead wounds were properly covered, she could not remember how was she transferred here, all she knew Sila was by her side when she was fainting.
Her family also reached hospital by then and they were all thankful to Sila and her brother, who did not let the ambulance service take her to a government hospital, instead bring her on their own to this well known private set up hospital.
"Its alright aunty, I did what I had to, I feel so bad seeing Mawra injured so badly, And I knew uncle is in Islamabad , that's why I asked hasan bhai to come and help us, I did not want you to come to university, it was all so scary." Sila was explaining to Mawra's mom, who hugged her and gave her and her brother many blessings.
Mawra's dad was already on his way back to Karachi on first available flight, she was his only daughter and he was shattered by the news.
Quite late in evening . they were back home, after being discharged from hospital. Her injuries had stopped bleeding after being stitched.
She was comfortably put to her bed and sent her mom and dad both back to their room , as they insisted on staying the night with her. She knew they were exhausted and needed rest, besides she was felling much better than being in a hospital room.
It was her cell phone which vibrated and drew her out of her deep sleep, there was no sound, just vibration, since in the exam hall, her cell was set on silent mode. Still she woke up, as if subconsciously she was waiting for this call.
Instantly she knew who was calling. Probably in her sleep, she was wishing he would call her, she was not sure if he knew what she had been through, but deep down her heart she wanted to hear his comforting voice.
It was Daniel. She didn't know wishes could come true like that.
"How was your exam Senorina? " this was the first question. So he was calling to ask about her exam!
"There culdn't be an exam", when she spoke her voice sounded very weak even to herself, it was enough to alarm him.
"Why, is everything alright, something went wrong?" he was anxious now.
"Yes, there was a bomb blast at the campus and it was so bad. " she started sobbing and told him briefly
"Oh my God, how are you feeling now, does Suhail know about all this? why did not you guys call me?" He sounded agitated.
"Dad came back in evening and he brought us home from hospital, he is sleeping now. I am much better please do not worry"
"Do not worry? Are you mad? You guys are living in jungle, ill speak to Suhail in morning, he should move his family to Madrid, You people are not secure there at all."
She could not say much, she was already very drowsy, all she could hear and understand was , Daniel Malik was worried about her, and that was the best thought she could sleep on.
So she slept, with her cell phone by her ear.
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"Assalamo Alaykum Ya Akhi"
After fajr prayers, he was sitting in the mosque courtyard at his usual place under the towering umbrella, when he heard someone greet him. He was one of the khadims of the Haram.
The team of servants who is reponsible for taking care of the cleanliness of premises of the Holy mosque are known as khadims. They are categorized into various groups and shifts according to their assigned duties. He was one of them. And since in his white arabic gown , slightly grown beard and his european physique , many people who met Daniel in Madinah, considered him an Arab.
Daniel returned his greetings. The khadim sat beside him on the marbled floor. Daniel turned to him and saw his bright eyes, he was smiling very gently at him. He was an average heighted, south asian man, wearing the green colored uniform of the Haram Shareef's khuddams, he had a knitted white net cap covering his head.
"I watch you every day sitting here in the courtyard, even at times when there is not much rush inside the masjid, why dont you try to pray inside?"
Daniel was surprised. he did not know, someone in this far land, where he has no contacts, someone might have been observing him.
"I haven't been inside the mosque yet, though I am in Madinah since one week." He felt naive at explaining his feelings to an stranger.
"This is surprising. People come to this city to pay salams and blessings to the Prophet, to offer Salah and pary in Riyazul Jannah. Why you did not make such an effort?" For a khadim from south asian origin, his english was quite fluent.
"I feel I am not being called inside, I feel I am not being accepted.here." Daniel was suddenly feeling at ease with this stranger.
The khadim smiled." Do You think You are visiting Madinah uninvited? The two Harams in Makkah and Medina are the houses belonging to Allah SWT and His Prophet Muhammad SAW. No one dares to be a pilgrim of these two Holy cities univited. When you are in Madinah , be assured You were being called here, by Allah SWT and His Prophet Muhammad SAW."
"But then why am I so restless, why was I being called when all my life, I did nothing but sins? I had the weakest faith if any a muslim could have, I never followed a single religious instruction , never prayed, never fasted. There was not any sin I haven't indulged in. With this kind of history, how can I dare to enter this Holy place, I feel filthy and dirty, I feel I dont deserve to be here and if ever I try to enter the Masjid, my Prophet will not accept me in his Ummah."
He had tears in his eyes, a few rolling down his cheeks. For one full week, he was feeling frustrated and lonely, now he had a listener and he opened his heart out to him.
"My dear brother, do you think, you are the only one here with such feelings? No. let me assure You each one of us feels the same. As soon as we reach to the boundries of Haram, the whole life is being rewinded for us, we feel sinful and ashamed for not following the Quran and Sunnah the way we are expected to. Is there any one who is free of sins? No. that is inhuman. Why in Quran then Allah says, I love my servant who makes sin , then realize, and come back to me asking forgiveness. He is the one most dear to me. So at this stage, when you are being called here in Prophet's city, and you are feeling guilty of your past life, and when heart is feeling a tenderness that is making you weep, this is the time ya akhi to ask forgiveness. And tobah can cure everything, washes every guilt, every sin away. Ask forgiveness with the faith that you will be forgiven, as this is the only reason you were being called here, to be purified."
Daniel was hearing him , and his heart was flowing in a stream that was led by his mind in the path following the recent past.
He had heard her saying these words many times, but he always silently denied her and even made fun of her blind faith. How mature she was, and how blind he had been.
His tears were coming in streams now, Daniel Malik was crying. Infront of this crowd from every corner and continent of the world, he was weeping without an embarassment, for this was the place where one has to have a direct connection between the Creator, His Prophet and himself. Where there was love and no fear, where there was belonging and no guilt. Where there was forgiveness and no blame.
He could not realize when the khadim left him weeping on his own and when he was down on his knees with his forhead on the floor in sajda, making a connection that had been badly missing.
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She began dancing on a serious note.
Wearing a long , flowing ankle length red dress with black churidaar pajama, her long hair gathered in a french braid, moving in flow with the rhythm of her body. It was an Indian semi classic ghazal with sitar and tabla in the background, being played for her to perform.
Her feet were lighter than air, her body was flexible beyond words, her arms swayed with waves of music, her neck being more provocative, her eyes moved as a professional, her expressions heartfelt.
There was no sound but music, there was not even a whisper among the crowd, they were intently watching her every move, succumbing to the ambiance created by her beautiful proceedings., they were undoubtedly mesmerized.
She looked unexpectedly stunning, even to those who used to meet her every day. As if this natural flow of dance was in born to her, as if she was expressing herself through this medium.
They woke up when the song ended. And then there was a sudden burst of astonishing comments , loud clapping and rounds of applause.
Mawra Suhail has stunned them all.
Her best friend Sila's elder sister was getting married. Sila invited all her friends and cousins to her home almost two weeks before the wedding day. There gonna be full blown mehndi and mayun functions where all the girls were to perform dances . All the girls except Mawra.
Since it was an all girls gathering, Mawra had taken off her headscarf. Sila did not ask her to join them in dancing, since she was quite religious. She had already assumed that a girl who does not uncover her head infront of non mehrams, would surely not dance in public. They were deciding songs and practicing steps when at one point, Mawra suggested them to replace a dance move with another. She even performed the dance move which was quite suitable to the music. Sila was extremely surprised to see Mawra dancing so well.
Mawra was all smiles and mischeivous, telling her this was her secret talent that not many people knew. And on public demand she performed on a semiclassic ghazal with sitar and tabla in the backdrop, which stunned everyone. She was a pro.
They asked her to perform in one of the functions, she politely denied.
"If only dancing was not prohibited in my religion." She replied smilingly.
Dancing was Mawra Suhail's secret passion.
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A warm night it was, as restless as her heart.
She was standing on the terrace, there was a quietness prevailing all around her, everybody in their bedrooms fast asleep, except Mawra. Suddenly she had an urge to have caffeine. Her veins needed a rush of blood instead of this smooth flow or may be she needed a divergence. The books and music were no more helping her tonight.
Back in her room, seeing her reflection in the mirror, she decided to tie her hair in a loose knot, her light blue pajamas were decent enough, she simply draped a stole around her shoulders and went downstairs to the kitchen.
While mixing the coffee she put two mugs on the marble counter. Remembering the weekend night when she was watching a movie and on Daniel's return from Lahore, she was preparing coffee for them both. But even then they could not have coffee together.
When brought her coffee mug with her in the lawn, there was a sacred silence which she needed at that moment. At times we need to spend time with ourselves, we need to speak and listen to our own feelings. Darkness, loneliness and quietness make a decent trio. They launch you inner self out and let you face your own conflicts. You may confront your soul or you may find a way out.
She was sitting on a white lawn swing while having coffee. It was dark, thick and bitter than usual. She needed to alter her taste tonight. May be she needed to alter her thoughts too.
It was many days since she had lost her regular sleep cycle. She had become a night bird, staying up for no reason. And this was effecting her studies adversely. She had lost her appetite, her weight and her natural skin glow. She had lost her charming self too, had grown more quite and secluded.
Was there any reason for all of it? Yes she was sure there was. She was in love. truly, madly, deeply.
There was no resemblance between the two. They were from two different worlds. But did it matter? Nothing matters to Mawra Suhail now, she was at a stage of feelings where nothing matter much. She was sure she was alone in her deep feelings towards him, he would never reciprocate in the same manner, there may be affection , kindness or care, but the reason would never be the same for Daniel Malik. And may be he would never even know her side of story as she had no intention of telling him. Her feelings were so precious to herself, she would never like anybody to make them feel retarded or absurd.
"Mawra, is that You? "
Her thoughts were interrupted by the gentle voice of her father.
"Ji Baba"
"Why up so late? Everything alright?" he came to sit beside her on the swing and put one arm around her shoulders.
His voice was so gentle, for an instant she felt like sharing everything with him.
"No particular reason Baba, just wanted to have coffee. Should I make you some coffee too?"
"In this summer night, no way. You may have altered taste, I don't." he smiled gently.
"Is there something worrying You sweetheart? " he said.
"What gave you that impression?"
"Well, many things, It seems you are going through a transitional phase of your life, as if you are growing up or rather growing mature. It isn't bad to spend time with yourself, but its bad losing your cheery self. I miss my Mawra who was chuckling, giggling and talking all the time. I miss her laughter in my home. I want may daughter back, bring her back to me , will You please? "
Mawra was speechless, she had nothing to say. It was all true, there was nothing to deny. She just nodded with a half hearted smile. And was surprised to know, his dad was such an observer.
"You can share yourself with anyone you feel at ease with. We are not just your parents, we are your friends too, remember? Don't You ever feel alone my little girl. "
He was giving her another dose of surprise. How could he reach to something she had only kept to herself.
He brought her back inside and put her to bed like a baby.
She had tears in her eyes when she finally dozed off.
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The music system in her bedroom was in full swing.
There was a loud dance music emerging out of the speakers enough to vibrate the atmosphere.
Clad in her deep pink track suit, her long hair pleated into a french braid, she was busy doing aerobics.
This summer when she could not go out swimming due to possibility of naegleria fowleri infection, she was restricted to home, so the decision was altered. instead of swimming, she opted for aerobics.
Though her addicted body misses the feel of water on her nerve endings.
And then she could not figure out how and where, as the track changes and Shakira emerges through her song Loca, the momentum changed.
Her flawless aerobic exercise steps gradually converted into dancing moves.
After a long time, Mawra was dancing.
It was as if she was tranced into the rhythm of music, as if an unseen power was making her move through the beat, as if it was a long forgotten indulgences he was tasting after years.
It felt as if meeting someone, you once loved madly , unexpectedly after ages.
She did not know how long it took but it was refreshing for her, she was all smiles and sweat and blush as she came to an end of her dance session.
Taking out the water bottle from her bedroom fridge , she passed across her study table when she noticed a couple of missed calls on her cell phone. It was a well known land line number from Spain.
She called back instantly , while the music in the background was still as louder, and when the water bottle was still in her hand .... unopened.
He picked up but she could not hear him and then only she discovered her own absurdness and turned the sound down.
"Wow , what this loud sound all about, where are you senorita? on the dance floor?" , he asked teasingly
"How could You possibly tell?" , she went on
"I know because when I am out dancing , this is the kind of music I like."
"Do you dance?" surprised, she asked.
"very seldom yes, do You?" he said casually
"Yes but not often, its my passion though"
"What sort of dancing? the typical club dancing or something traditional?"
"All sorts, from hip hop to classical, I took a short course of kathak a couple of years ago"
"wow.....Do you know waltz?" he smiled
"I can't be doing waltz all alone" , she replied promptly
"Obviously You need a partner. Do you know anything about Spanish traditional dances?"
"Oh the gypsy dances? I know about Flamenco, but that appears difficult"
"It should not once You start learning. Ill see if you could catch some training classes when you visit."
"Really? Can you do that? Bibi jaan will surely kill me." she laughed.
"I will save you and take all the curse on me. If that's the least I can do for your passion mi Amiga"
He was sweet as always.
And she could not wait to be in Spain.
She had one more reason to anticipate.
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You can run away from all other things but the tenderness inside your heart, pondered Mawra.
The geranium flowers lost fragrance.The summer breeze suffocate her
The crescent moon made her weep.
For days she could not continue her dance sessions and at times she skipped her prayers. She could not fathom the piercing pain that was throbbing in her veins so deeply.
Even though she was not sure in the beginning, with the passage of time she grew accustomed to the fact that she was the victim of a single sided crush. A crush that felt like love. Or may be she did not know what love truly meant. It was a mere fascination probably, just that she was hit harder.
The day she heard Helen's voice in his bedroom, she was hit harder.
She did not know how to respond, what to believe and what not. She was pushed out of her dreamworld and that was like a downfall. The dead end.
She threw away her cell phone, stop texting and calling him. She knew she was trying to run a mile, but then what other option she had.
Going out with friends, spending her day at club, doing endless shopping for the upcoming cousins wedding , she did not have time to even spend with herself.
All day she laughed and teased. But it was the loneliness in her bedroom in the dark hours that scared her, made her helpless.
It was the sad radio music bringing out the tenderness hidden beneath the fog of false laughter.
And it was when she used to be online, it was his name she was googling around, seeing his images that he would never come to know, she could access from across the continents.
That's when, after a long month of fighting with herself, she gave in.
She surrendered to the power of love. She bowed her head and admitted, it was not a crush or fascination, it was much superior to them both. Love as they may call it, was unfathomable, unexplained, unhindered suffering. Something deeper, much more deeper.
She tried to run away ..... from him.... but failed.
For You can run away from all other things but the tenderness inside your heart.
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Her MP3 player was on with non stop Nayyara Noor singing
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It was not merely a travel. It was a transition.
At the Barajas Madrid airport, her landing was much more than an entry into Spain. It was her most earnest wish.
But many things were unfathomable. Like her irregular breathing, increased pulse and shivering limbs.
Anticipation was killing her.
The prospect of seeing him once again was too much to bear.
While collecting luggage and helping Bibi jaan carrying her own things, she was slightly disoriented. She could not wait any longer to rush out of the exit door, yet a part of her was stopping her from moving forwards. "You are in danger zone," an inner voice warned her.
And then she realized how true that was. Yes she was in danger zone. He was too handsome.
She realized as his huge frame materialized in front of her. As soon as she was out of the artificially cold atmosphere of the airport building into the open sunshine, two facts hit her hard. The scorching summer heat of Madrid and the handsome Spaniard standing in front of her, were both real.
He was hugging her dad and was meeting humbly with Bibi jaan and her mom. Imad and herself were in the queue.
And then she heard him saying loudly to her " bienvenido a Espana mi amiga."
"Gracias Senor" She was all smiles too.
"Good to have you guys around." he was genuinely happy.
"Its too hot here" Mawra could not resist commenting.
His laughter was instantaneous. "Suhail your kid thought Karachi is the only city where you have summers."
Her dad laughed and put an arm around her shoulder.
"I have been to many other cities too. And I am not a kid remember?" The face she made was enough to make everyone laugh.
"Sorry madam. But you still have to endure the heat of Madrid. We do have intense summers in Spain. Use Sun Creams. "
He said as he went to bring his car from the parking lot. And it was a huge white car, enough to carry their luggage and all of them comfortably. The Air conditioner inside the car was a relief to her senses.
"I thought you may not come to pick us up personally Daniyal. Isn't it your working hour?" Amna Suhail started the converstaion. He looked back into the mirror and smiled.
"We call it jet lag bhabhi. I planned your trip so I could come to pick you guys up. Its saturday today." he laughed and everybody else did too.
And Mawra could not believe she was with him. In his car . in his land and very soon in his home.
It was the beginning of a transition.
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It wasn't easy for her to bear this, she knew it already. Seeing him with the woman he loved was supposed to be an emotional jolt for her. One of the moments when she felt like running away from Spain.
Just Thursday night when they all were having dinner together he announced that he wanted everyone and specially Bibi jaan to have a meeting with the woman he was looking forward to get married.
"Helen Martinez" , the only name that clicked her mind.
Why didn't it ever occur to Mawra suhail that during her stay in Madrid she may have to see the lady of honor too? The fork she was using to lift the bite of chicken steak could not reach her mouth. Suddenly she lost her appetite.
And then a midst the frenzied gossiping about the lady to be, everybody got so involved that nobody appeared to have feel the absent mindedness and quietness of Mawra. For her though, it was a blessing.
The restlessness prevailing. She along with Mariah planned the menu for the evening and remained hidden behind the cooking schedule. Daniel was out since long and it was about time they were to come home. Her heart skipped a beat when she heard the car brakes in the porch. She closed her eyes and wished that moment never came. She wasn't yet ready to face her.
The kitchen corner where she was apparently working was invisible from the living room. She could hear the voices very clearly though. Bibi jaan sounded super excited. It was the first time she was about to meet a gori-bahu.
Closing her eyes to regain her composure , she wished no one even remembers she was home too.
Mariah was surprisingly looking uninterested in joining the gathering. So was she.
But there wasn't much escape. Daniel was already in the kitchen and asking them both out to join everyone in the living room. He didn't even approve of Mawra's very casual dressing.
"You can go upstairs and change if you like amiga."
She denied politely. Seeing her reluctance he held her left wrist and brought her in the living room and introduced her to Helen Martinez as his best buddy.
For a moment Mawra could not say anything. She wasn't shy, never have been. but her feelings for Daniel had made this confrontation difficult. She moved forward and shook hands with Helen. And yes she had to admit, the lady was strikingly elegant.
Dressed in a red floral skirt and silk cream shirt, with her hair tied in a chignon at the nape of the neck, her creamy skin reflected vibrancy. But there was no warmth in her eyes for Mawra. She felt terrible about her own feelings for the man , she was not even related to. Guilty pangs jolted her. It wasn't easy hiding her feelings appearing on surface, yet she had to fight.
Feelings could make such huge difference, she never knew. But she was learning gradually. Life and its lessons weren't easy to learn.
Daniel was looking genuinely happy. It was so obvious from his eyes how much he loved the woman. His smiles, gestures, moves and laughter, everything was apparent. There was no denying the fact that Helen Martinez was the love of his life.
For the first time in life, Mawra realized, people and feelings were different from attractions in the display shops. They were not for sale. They could nor be bought neither could be developed. They were either meant to be or not to be.
For her it was a lost battle, before even being fought.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sitting at the bar counter he was listening to the fast changing tracks of dance music in the club. It was weekend in Madrid and Madrilenians were busy dancing and drinking.
"Hey You are still sitting here. No plans for dancing?" , He turned around on the revolving chair and saw her. She was half drunk. He refused her offer for the third time and gently removed her hand resting on his shoulder. He could see the disappointment in her eyes but he could not help it. He was not interested.
Sally was not Spanish. She was an Englishwoman. He met her once or twice before and tonight she was here with him at this club. He could not figure out why. Suddenly he did not want any company anymore. and surely not a woman's company.
He rotated the glass of red wine then. This glass reminded him of someone, someone he used to relate with wine and intoxication. He thought he needed alcohol to calm his nerves, but the glass in his hands was still full. Even alcohol was not the solution tonight. The solution was across thousands of miles. unreachable.
Not far from him was the dance floor where people were dancing madly. Sally was one of them too. He wondered why ever he brought her with him. Women were some crazy creatures and he didn't want them anymore.
Slowly he moved towards the full length glass window, now drenched with raindrops. October in Madrid always brought rain. This club was built on a hill in the suburbs of Madrid city, the view from the window was wet and steamy. Just like every other view.
As the night was getting deeper the music scene was changing too. Now the DJ had tuned one of the mellow tracts. The hip hop dancing took a twist and moved into the waltz zone. He stood still for a while , it was one of his favorite songs and down the memory lane , he recalled he played this song for her too.
Tu de que vas (Do you even need to ask)
If I had to make the choice again
I’d choose you without a doubt
cause there are no doubts to have
Franco De Vita was singing and materializing some special moments for him.
"I haven't danced with anyone in my life but if I ever wish to do waltz , will you be my partner Daniel?". He could still hear her crystal clear voice. They were on the deck of the boat on their return from Ibiza island where there was a lovely wind and some lovely music in the backdrop, when she asked him. The desire in her eyes was more than he could bear at that time. And now remembering that particular moment, he realized it was this desire in her eyes that he was missing the most.
Running a hand in his hair , he reached for his cell phone and checked every possible place she could have left a message for him. There was none. She was gone. There was no returning back.
The song continued to play, relieving and at the same time tormenting his nerves.
do you even need to ask?
if there's not even one minute of my time
in which you do not cross my mind
and still you question if I love you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conflicts arise within ourselves. And then expand.
Expand to envelope the thought process and ends nowhere but in confusion. Eventually she found out that she was all but confused and the reason was a conflict arising within herself.
She was the one who was dying to reach Madrid and now all she wanted was to rush back home, to Karachi.
The view out of the window was serene but sadly there was only this window to the outside world, no terrace. She was missing the swing on her own terrace where she used to spend lonely nights listening to music or reading books or laying still.
The wind was soft as she moved out of the main gate of this cottage-like small house to the tiniest of the lawns spread in front. There was this picket fence bounding the house from all side. She did not dare cross the limits. Daniel would be mad at her if she did that at this maddening hour of the night. But then the nights were supposed to bring madness, no?
"Aren't You an insomniac senorita?"
She heard a voice at her back, but didn't dare turning around. It took some courage to look into his eyes.
"Probably" She replied softly. As soft as the wind of the night.
"May I know the reason?", His voice was like a tender touch too.
"I don't know myself yet"
"Will you let me know once you find out?" , gently he inquired
"I shall. But will you be there to hear it? " (She wanted to ask if he would dare to hear it? )
He was standing next to her now. "Why yes. Always". He said, looking intently towards her. There was a certainty in his voice that trembled her.
"Why would You want to know?" she insisted. Why was she speaking like that to him tonight, she didn't know herself. May be in her deepest wish to dig out something deeper from him. And this time she looked straight into his eyes. He was clad in his blue striped pajamas, with a subtle stubble on his chin, it was the very first time she was watching him in such a casual form. Something began to melt inside her.
"Because I care. Because you are my best buddy." Gently he smiled.
"Why would You say I am your best friend. Don't You have other friends around?"
"I have many friends amiga, more than you could imagine. But I like sharing things with you. Things that I can not share with others easily. Probably I share a comfort level with you that I don't share with others." his smile was very genuine.
"Why me then?". She could not find out if she was complaining.
"I wish I could know. We haven't been together much. But there had been an unknown link Mawra. Sometimes it doesn't take long or much to develop trust. Sometimes nature decides matters for us. I do not know why but I have shared with you certain things that I didn't even share with Helen. May be because you can understand them easily. may be because I tested and tried you unintentionally and you came out to be a perfect companion." His words touched her ears like the echoes of a soft blowing wind.
His words shower her soul like invisible raindrops.
She bowed her head silently. She did not want speak up. Probably she heard what she waited so long to hear.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was giving away things, attempting at giving away memories, if there existed any such possibility, she wanted to give it a try.
You can run away from all other things but the tenderness inside your heart, pondered Mawra.
The geranium flowers lost fragrance.The summer breeze suffocate her
The crescent moon made her weep.
For days she could not continue her dance sessions and at times she skipped her prayers. She could not fathom the piercing pain that was throbbing in her veins so deeply.
Even though she was not sure in the beginning, with the passage of time she grew accustomed to the fact that she was the victim of a single sided crush. A crush that felt like love. Or may be she did not know what love truly meant. It was a mere fascination probably, just that she was hit harder.
The day she heard Helen's voice in his bedroom, she was hit harder.
She did not know how to respond, what to believe and what not. She was pushed out of her dreamworld and that was like a downfall. The dead end.
She threw away her cell phone, stop texting and calling him. She knew she was trying to run a mile, but then what other option she had.
Going out with friends, spending her day at club, doing endless shopping for the upcoming cousins wedding , she did not have time to even spend with herself.
All day she laughed and teased. But it was the loneliness in her bedroom in the dark hours that scared her, made her helpless.
It was the sad radio music bringing out the tenderness hidden beneath the fog of false laughter.
And it was when she used to be online, it was his name she was googling around, seeing his images that he would never come to know, she could access from across the continents.
That's when, after a long month of fighting with herself, she gave in.
She surrendered to the power of love. She bowed her head and admitted, it was not a crush or fascination, it was much superior to them both. Love as they may call it, was unfathomable, unexplained, unhindered suffering. Something deeper, much more deeper.
She tried to run away ..... from him.... but failed.
For You can run away from all other things but the tenderness inside your heart.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Her MP3 player was on with non stop Nayyara Noor singing
"Aey ishq humain barbaad na ker"
("O Love do not desolate me")
Clad in her black pajamas, lying on her stomach with a pillow under her chin, her eyes closed , legs crossed , it was her late night hour , her very own, when she was alone with herself.
Sometime ago she was busy with her assignment that was due to submit in the morning when she saw her cell phone displaying a number from Spain. And then she turned it to a silent mode. Still she could see the number blinking and it was enough to distract her from studies and to disturb her to the very core.
And now when Nayyara in her tender voice was singing this sad ghazal, a single tear was blinking in her eye. She put the cell phone under another pillow so she could not see who was trying to reach her.
"You can not reach me now, its over." She said to an unseen image.
She could not know when her father came inside her room and tapped her shoulder.
For a minute she was surprised and then next moment she turned the music down.
"You are listening to music at this late hour Mawra, and I thought you were sound asleep", He said gently.
"Sorry Baba I was about to go to sleep. Is everything OK? Do you need coffee?" , his father occasionally asked her for a cup of coffee in the late hours.
"No honey, its Daniyaal, calling you for sometime and when you were not responding, he called me to know if everything was alright, told him you might be sleeping but he was right, you are still up listening to ghazals!"
he smiled and handed over his cell phone to her.
Oh gosh, she never knew he could find the alternative ways to reach her.
It was not easy maintaining a normal attitude when she started speaking to him, but she had to do it. It felt like she was listening to him after ages.
"I was listening to loud music and my cell phone is not with me, i think its in my bag" , she was bad at lying she knew.
Her father left the room soon then and she was alone with him. The sad ghazal was still playing in the backdrop making her feel like being a character of an epic sad love story.
"And what about so many other times when you did not respond to my calls, it made me worried Amiga."
"I was busy, really"
"I don't know but let me tell you I had a feeling it was something else. Anyways what is that music in the background? I seem to like it."
"Its a ghazal sung by Nayyarra Noor, my favorite singer"
"A ghazal as those sung by Nusrat fateh Ali? I love listening to this kind of music, can you send me its link?"
"Sure, Do u listen to urdu music?"
His laughter was instantaneous. What is urdu music , english music, spanish music? Music has no boundaries and I happen to understand urdu, remember?"
"Yes" , she lied. She forgot he knows urdu language, just as she was trying to forget how his eyes sparkled and how his smile melted her heart.
"So hows preparation for tour de Spain?"
"I dunno, mom is doing all the preparation"
"Actually I called up specially to inform you that I have found a very secluded swimming pool for you here in my neighborhood, its one of my female colleagues who has gone out on a project to US and her house is big enough to accommodate a pool. She had handed me over the keys with the permission that my guests can use her swimming pool area. I was so excited to let you know Amiga. Now when you are here in Madrid you can enjoy swimming as much as you can , so bring along your swimming gear."
It was such a big surprise to her, she could not imagine he could go to such an extent to ask a favor from his colleague for her. She was touched deeply.
"Thank You. " She could not say much.
"Tengo el placer Amiga"
"I am waiting for you guys to come over. You don't know how I miss a family around me and you people are all I have."
There was this ache in his voice that made her single dangling tear fell off her left eye.
"We'll be there soon and we'll keep you so much busy that in the end you'll want us to send us back. So Beware." she replied smilingly, this was the first genuine smile she had in days.
He laughed "You bet senorita. Now be a good girl and go to sleep and pick up my calls or you will miss big fun in life"
She laughed and bade him good night
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was not merely a travel. It was a transition.
At the Barajas Madrid airport, her landing was much more than an entry into Spain. It was her most earnest wish.
But many things were unfathomable. Like her irregular breathing, increased pulse and shivering limbs.
Anticipation was killing her.
The prospect of seeing him once again was too much to bear.
While collecting luggage and helping Bibi jaan carrying her own things, she was slightly disoriented. She could not wait any longer to rush out of the exit door, yet a part of her was stopping her from moving forwards. "You are in danger zone," an inner voice warned her.
And then she realized how true that was. Yes she was in danger zone. He was too handsome.
She realized as his huge frame materialized in front of her. As soon as she was out of the artificially cold atmosphere of the airport building into the open sunshine, two facts hit her hard. The scorching summer heat of Madrid and the handsome Spaniard standing in front of her, were both real.
He was hugging her dad and was meeting humbly with Bibi jaan and her mom. Imad and herself were in the queue.
And then she heard him saying loudly to her " bienvenido a Espana mi amiga."
"Gracias Senor" She was all smiles too.
"Good to have you guys around." he was genuinely happy.
"Its too hot here" Mawra could not resist commenting.
His laughter was instantaneous. "Suhail your kid thought Karachi is the only city where you have summers."
Her dad laughed and put an arm around her shoulder.
"I have been to many other cities too. And I am not a kid remember?" The face she made was enough to make everyone laugh.
"Sorry madam. But you still have to endure the heat of Madrid. We do have intense summers in Spain. Use Sun Creams. "
He said as he went to bring his car from the parking lot. And it was a huge white car, enough to carry their luggage and all of them comfortably. The Air conditioner inside the car was a relief to her senses.
"I thought you may not come to pick us up personally Daniyal. Isn't it your working hour?" Amna Suhail started the converstaion. He looked back into the mirror and smiled.
"We call it jet lag bhabhi. I planned your trip so I could come to pick you guys up. Its saturday today." he laughed and everybody else did too.
And Mawra could not believe she was with him. In his car . in his land and very soon in his home.
It was the beginning of a transition.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It wasn't easy for her to bear this, she knew it already. Seeing him with the woman he loved was supposed to be an emotional jolt for her. One of the moments when she felt like running away from Spain.
Just Thursday night when they all were having dinner together he announced that he wanted everyone and specially Bibi jaan to have a meeting with the woman he was looking forward to get married.
"Helen Martinez" , the only name that clicked her mind.
Why didn't it ever occur to Mawra suhail that during her stay in Madrid she may have to see the lady of honor too? The fork she was using to lift the bite of chicken steak could not reach her mouth. Suddenly she lost her appetite.
And then a midst the frenzied gossiping about the lady to be, everybody got so involved that nobody appeared to have feel the absent mindedness and quietness of Mawra. For her though, it was a blessing.
The restlessness prevailing. She along with Mariah planned the menu for the evening and remained hidden behind the cooking schedule. Daniel was out since long and it was about time they were to come home. Her heart skipped a beat when she heard the car brakes in the porch. She closed her eyes and wished that moment never came. She wasn't yet ready to face her.
The kitchen corner where she was apparently working was invisible from the living room. She could hear the voices very clearly though. Bibi jaan sounded super excited. It was the first time she was about to meet a gori-bahu.
Closing her eyes to regain her composure , she wished no one even remembers she was home too.
Mariah was surprisingly looking uninterested in joining the gathering. So was she.
But there wasn't much escape. Daniel was already in the kitchen and asking them both out to join everyone in the living room. He didn't even approve of Mawra's very casual dressing.
"You can go upstairs and change if you like amiga."
She denied politely. Seeing her reluctance he held her left wrist and brought her in the living room and introduced her to Helen Martinez as his best buddy.
For a moment Mawra could not say anything. She wasn't shy, never have been. but her feelings for Daniel had made this confrontation difficult. She moved forward and shook hands with Helen. And yes she had to admit, the lady was strikingly elegant.
Dressed in a red floral skirt and silk cream shirt, with her hair tied in a chignon at the nape of the neck, her creamy skin reflected vibrancy. But there was no warmth in her eyes for Mawra. She felt terrible about her own feelings for the man , she was not even related to. Guilty pangs jolted her. It wasn't easy hiding her feelings appearing on surface, yet she had to fight.
Feelings could make such huge difference, she never knew. But she was learning gradually. Life and its lessons weren't easy to learn.
Daniel was looking genuinely happy. It was so obvious from his eyes how much he loved the woman. His smiles, gestures, moves and laughter, everything was apparent. There was no denying the fact that Helen Martinez was the love of his life.
For the first time in life, Mawra realized, people and feelings were different from attractions in the display shops. They were not for sale. They could nor be bought neither could be developed. They were either meant to be or not to be.
For her it was a lost battle, before even being fought.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sitting at the bar counter he was listening to the fast changing tracks of dance music in the club. It was weekend in Madrid and Madrilenians were busy dancing and drinking.
"Hey You are still sitting here. No plans for dancing?" , He turned around on the revolving chair and saw her. She was half drunk. He refused her offer for the third time and gently removed her hand resting on his shoulder. He could see the disappointment in her eyes but he could not help it. He was not interested.
Sally was not Spanish. She was an Englishwoman. He met her once or twice before and tonight she was here with him at this club. He could not figure out why. Suddenly he did not want any company anymore. and surely not a woman's company.
He rotated the glass of red wine then. This glass reminded him of someone, someone he used to relate with wine and intoxication. He thought he needed alcohol to calm his nerves, but the glass in his hands was still full. Even alcohol was not the solution tonight. The solution was across thousands of miles. unreachable.
Not far from him was the dance floor where people were dancing madly. Sally was one of them too. He wondered why ever he brought her with him. Women were some crazy creatures and he didn't want them anymore.
Slowly he moved towards the full length glass window, now drenched with raindrops. October in Madrid always brought rain. This club was built on a hill in the suburbs of Madrid city, the view from the window was wet and steamy. Just like every other view.
As the night was getting deeper the music scene was changing too. Now the DJ had tuned one of the mellow tracts. The hip hop dancing took a twist and moved into the waltz zone. He stood still for a while , it was one of his favorite songs and down the memory lane , he recalled he played this song for her too.
Tu de que vas (Do you even need to ask)
If I had to make the choice again
I’d choose you without a doubt
cause there are no doubts to have
Franco De Vita was singing and materializing some special moments for him.
"I haven't danced with anyone in my life but if I ever wish to do waltz , will you be my partner Daniel?". He could still hear her crystal clear voice. They were on the deck of the boat on their return from Ibiza island where there was a lovely wind and some lovely music in the backdrop, when she asked him. The desire in her eyes was more than he could bear at that time. And now remembering that particular moment, he realized it was this desire in her eyes that he was missing the most.
Running a hand in his hair , he reached for his cell phone and checked every possible place she could have left a message for him. There was none. She was gone. There was no returning back.
The song continued to play, relieving and at the same time tormenting his nerves.
do you even need to ask?
if there's not even one minute of my time
in which you do not cross my mind
and still you question if I love you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conflicts arise within ourselves. And then expand.
Expand to envelope the thought process and ends nowhere but in confusion. Eventually she found out that she was all but confused and the reason was a conflict arising within herself.
She was the one who was dying to reach Madrid and now all she wanted was to rush back home, to Karachi.
The view out of the window was serene but sadly there was only this window to the outside world, no terrace. She was missing the swing on her own terrace where she used to spend lonely nights listening to music or reading books or laying still.
The wind was soft as she moved out of the main gate of this cottage-like small house to the tiniest of the lawns spread in front. There was this picket fence bounding the house from all side. She did not dare cross the limits. Daniel would be mad at her if she did that at this maddening hour of the night. But then the nights were supposed to bring madness, no?
"Aren't You an insomniac senorita?"
She heard a voice at her back, but didn't dare turning around. It took some courage to look into his eyes.
"Probably" She replied softly. As soft as the wind of the night.
"May I know the reason?", His voice was like a tender touch too.
"I don't know myself yet"
"Will you let me know once you find out?" , gently he inquired
"I shall. But will you be there to hear it? " (She wanted to ask if he would dare to hear it? )
He was standing next to her now. "Why yes. Always". He said, looking intently towards her. There was a certainty in his voice that trembled her.
"Why would You want to know?" she insisted. Why was she speaking like that to him tonight, she didn't know herself. May be in her deepest wish to dig out something deeper from him. And this time she looked straight into his eyes. He was clad in his blue striped pajamas, with a subtle stubble on his chin, it was the very first time she was watching him in such a casual form. Something began to melt inside her.
"Because I care. Because you are my best buddy." Gently he smiled.
"Why would You say I am your best friend. Don't You have other friends around?"
"I have many friends amiga, more than you could imagine. But I like sharing things with you. Things that I can not share with others easily. Probably I share a comfort level with you that I don't share with others." his smile was very genuine.
"Why me then?". She could not find out if she was complaining.
"I wish I could know. We haven't been together much. But there had been an unknown link Mawra. Sometimes it doesn't take long or much to develop trust. Sometimes nature decides matters for us. I do not know why but I have shared with you certain things that I didn't even share with Helen. May be because you can understand them easily. may be because I tested and tried you unintentionally and you came out to be a perfect companion." His words touched her ears like the echoes of a soft blowing wind.
His words shower her soul like invisible raindrops.
She bowed her head silently. She did not want speak up. Probably she heard what she waited so long to hear.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was giving away things, attempting at giving away memories, if there existed any such possibility, she wanted to give it a try.
Two tickets of the Flamenco show at Torres Bermejas. She was a keeper and a collector. She kept those tickets safely even if they were an year old. As much as she was crazy about dancing, he treated her to that national dancing show of the Spain, on a stage which was classically decorated inspired by the art and architecture of Alhambra. Everything about him was perfect. And yes it was a perfect evening. She tore up the tickets and throw them in the air, haphazardly they fell everywhere in her bedroom.
She was removing all the footprints, all the reminiscent of their times together. May be this was the way out, may be this way she would get rid of his imprints in her life.
There were two half burnt perfumed candles, one was pink, other of a cream color. Surrounded by delicately beautiful glass shells, they bought it while roaming around the salamanca streets. Even then, she hadn't told him, she was planning to prepare a special dinner for them both and she needed some candles to lighten up the ambiance.
There were two half burnt perfumed candles, one was pink, other of a cream color. Surrounded by delicately beautiful glass shells, they bought it while roaming around the salamanca streets. Even then, she hadn't told him, she was planning to prepare a special dinner for them both and she needed some candles to lighten up the ambiance.
She lit up the remains of the perfumed candles and kept them at each of the bedsides. She watched them for a minute without blinking her eyes, as if to say goodbye to them for the very last time. It was always terrible to bid farewells. She let them burn.
Spread on the bed was a plain black pure chiffon sari, with the same colored silk blouse embellished delicately with black pearls and sequences. she gently traced the fabric with her fingers, they begin to burn. It was a burning memory of their only romantic evening together. A tender tear ran though her left eye. Suddenly she was short of breath. Those were the most dearest moments in her memory book and it was hard to let them go. Yet she was trying. In her heart of hearts she knew it to be a failing attempt, yet she was trying. She picked up the far corner of her sari and brought it near the flame of the perfumed candle and waited for a while. And then she let the most delicate chiffon fabric run through her fingers on to the flame. She could imagine it catch the fire but it did not. Oh now she remembered. The pure chiffon fabric never catches fire, some years ago a tailor told her. In desperation she threw away the fabric on to the floor and walk over her favorite sari across the room.
It was Versace bright crystal she was holding now. she moved to the full length mirror of her dressing table and removed the crystal cap, the transparent bottle was more than half full with the pink perfumed fluid. She began to spray, on her hair and then on her neck, on her wrist, until she saw the ring in her ring finger. A wave of anger enveloped her entire being and she threw the whole bottle of her favorite gift on to the opposite wall. With a horrific sound it shattered into innumerable pieces on to the floor. And so did she. Shattered, on to the floor, with a heart broken into innumerable pieces.
She gave away all the reminisces she had. Except the memory neurons of the brain. There was no giving away for that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He was short of breath.
The running a mile this lovely summer morning had made him breathless. He was sweating too but then it was his daily routine. He loved the morning walks and jogs.
Reaching near the white picket fence around his small cottage, he was delighted to see the varying colored roses blooming. He loved gardening, flowers, butterflies and fragrance near him. He was a nature lover. The small lawn did not take him much to cross but when he reached the entrance of his cottage he sensed something different in the atmosphere. He stopped and concentrated. He heard some voice. A deeply engrossed voice in a language he could not understand. He turned back and moved towards the direction of the voice.
And there he found her. Tucked in the farthest corner of this small lawn just beneath the right far corner of the white picket fence, surrounded by the white sunflower plant, she was reciting the Holy book. It was the recital that mesmerized him. He knew it was Arabic and he was not familiar with the language. Her recital made him feel like understanding it. It was strange. He wanted to hear it more yet did not want to distract her.
Silently he moved towards where she was sitting on the grass and without making any noise sat beside her. Her concentration was immense, she did not even notice his presence. She was reading as if she understood each word.
خَتَمَ ٱللَّهُ عَلَىٰ قُلُوبِهِمْ وَعَلَىٰ سَمْعِهِمْ ۖ وَعَلَىٰٓ أَبْصَٰرِهِمْ غِشَٰوَةٌ ۖ وَلَهُمْ عَذَابٌ عَظِيمٌ
He found his heart beating faster.
Then as she reached this verse
يُخَٰدِعُونَ ٱللَّهَ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَمَا يَخْدَعُونَ إِلَّآ أَنفُسَهُمْ وَمَا يَشْعُرُونَ
He felt an unknown curiosity growing inside him.
فِى قُلُوبِهِم مَّرَضٌ فَزَادَهُمُ ٱللَّهُ مَرَضًا ۖ وَلَهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمٌۢ بِمَا كَانُوا۟ يَكْذِبُونَ
He was watching and hearing her simultaneously. She was wearing a white hijab around her head over her night pajamas. She appeared to be a combination of purity and innocence. He was not sure what was attracting him more. Her presence or this recital.
He never read Quran, although he was a Muslim by birth. He never truly believed in the verses too. He was not even ashamed of accepting the fact that without the denial he would never be able to find his true Lord. So he was still in the process of finding his own path that could lead him to the Almighty. Certainly he was not going to accept what was transferred to him through birth.
She finished reciting and kissed the Holy book and then gave him a sheepish smile. Probably she did not expect him to join in.
"Do you understand what you read senorita?"
"I do to an extent. Or at least I make an effort to. That is why I have this version of Quran with the translation"
"Good. At least you are not reading and following blindly like many others." , he said.
"Do you know Arabic?" she asked
"No Amiga. And I don't even read Quran." He paused to see her expressions. She was annoyed. He smiled.
"Can you read me the translation of the verses you were reciting?" That made her happy. She obliged.
خَتَمَ ٱللَّهُ عَلَىٰ قُلُوبِهِمْ وَعَلَىٰ سَمْعِهِمْ ۖ وَعَلَىٰٓ أَبْصَٰرِهِمْ غِشَٰوَةٌ ۖ وَلَهُمْ عَذَابٌ عَظِيمٌ
God has set a seal on their hearts and on their hearing, and over their vision is a veil. They will have a severe torment.
يُخَٰدِعُونَ ٱللَّهَ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَمَا يَخْدَعُونَ إِلَّآ أَنفُسَهُمْ وَمَا يَشْعُرُونَ
They seek to deceive God and those who believe, but they deceive none but themselves, though they are not aware.
فِى قُلُوبِهِم مَّرَضٌ فَزَادَهُمُ ٱللَّهُ مَرَضًا ۖ وَلَهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمٌۢ بِمَا كَانُوا۟ يَكْذِبُونَ
In their hearts is sickness, and God has increased their sickness. They will have a painful punishment because of their denial.
Something moved inside his heart. He was sure it was her voice and not the words she was repeating. He got up silently and left her where she was.
She, being left alone was thinking of this ever transitioning man she was so in love with and prayed silently for him.
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Few words said and few gestures made in past could have different meanings when you look back in time and think over. He was thinking over today.
He had bought ticket for her to visit museum Del Prado, the largest art museum in Madrid. She did not want to go alone but no one in the family was interested and daniel did not have enough time. So she agreed to go alone while he was leaving home early to drop her to museum on his way to work. The museum was to open at 9:00 AM.
On their way she noticed , Madrid roads were as busy and bustling with traffic as any other busy city around the world. A few traffic jams, horns and people hastily rushing towards their destination. He was driving quietly and she did not feel like distracting him, so without giving him any reason to feel disturbed, she kept looking around and also looking at him.
He was looking handsome in a blue pinstripe shirt and his eyes were covered with shades, for the sun was high and shining. Suddenly she noticed she was also wearing the shades of blue. A white kurta with blue neckline embroidery with a pair of blue jeans and blue headscarf. They were matched. Unintentionally though.
"what are you thinking amiga?" he asked , bringing her out of her dreamworld.
"Nothing important." for a moment she blushed, how could she tell him she was thinking about both of them.
"Really? I thought I saw you smiling. May be you wouldn't like to share or should I not insist?
She caught the teasing smile in his speech and felt lighter.
"No you should not, there are somethings girls do not like to share with men."
His laughter was candid and then he told him they were at Gran Via , the most famous and central street of Madrid.
Museum was nearby now. He dropped her near the museum, with her ticket and a bundle of instructions.
"Please do not worry. I am a big girl remember?" she smiled
"And so pretty on top of that. A pretty and lonely girl is very charming to Madrilenos. So be careful. Ill catch you around lunch time. Make sure your cell is on."
With that he was gone and she joined the long queue for entrance to this grand museum.
She was an art lover and it was her very first time in a European art museum. She remember the instructions given by Daniel and started her tour accordingly. The guide book also informed her about the Vincent Van Gogh exhibition, further increasing her excitement.
Five hours went by and still half of the museum remained unseen, her cell phone was ringing reminding her that Daniel was already waiting outside.
They walked across the street and she found herself surrounded by many fountains, it was such a pleasant site and she did not forget to mention that.
It was a few minutes walk and they were now in front of a small restaurants tucked neatly at the corner of one of the streets. Settling down on their table and as he ordered Tapas for her, everything seemed so dreamy to her. Was she really having lunch with him? It was getting hard for her to keep her nerves intact.
"So how was the experience senorina?"
"Truly amazing."
"Seems you are much interested in art. Why didn't you learn art then?" he asked looking intently at her.
"I can not draw well or may be i am not that creative but I really appreciate creativity."
"Hmm. Ok. So did you meet any handsome guys asking for your time?" teasingly he asked.
"I did", she said smoothly with a fake seriousness.
"Wow, I was right then. So what did you say?"
"I said I had already been asked out for lunch today, may be some other time" she said and noticed his reaction. He laughed and nodded his head. He was so open about it all, she never felt hesitant in expressing. That was the best part about his presence. That was the comfort she drew in his company.
It was a lovely lunch having tapas with cheese and olives. It was a great day when he heard her laughing freely. It was the day when he felt a tinge of jealousy when she mentioned the other guy. He did not notice then.
He was thinking over now.
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Her nights were lonelier now, more than ever, since this very morning when she found out some more about his intimate life.
Though it should not have been her concern nonetheless she was concerned about him. By days, hours, minutes and seconds. It was growing deeper,unknowingly and unintentionally.
It was a lovely summer morning when after early morning in-lawn walk, she entered this small cottage, which was home to her beloved. She was in a specially exciting mood today and she had a plan to do some cooking for him.
In the kitchen Maria Jose was already on her heels. Moving and clattering and banging. Mawra smiled. "Seems Maria is already on her way to cook breakfast" , she thought.
"Beunas mananas", Mawra wished her good morning
Maria smiled at her speaking Spanish and replied with much zeal.
"whats up madam? What are you cooking? "
"Making breakfast for Dan"
"oh, what does he prefer for a breakfast?" Maria was one source for her to know him deeper
" He prefers it English way, egg, toast and tea."
"No desi breakfast like Parathas?" she asked again
"I never saw him eating that"
"I was planning to make desi nashta for him" smilingly she shared her secret with maria
"oh child, you should better ask him first. I am not sure he would eat parata in breakfast."
"No problem, Ill do that" Mawra replied calmly while making herself green tea.
She was sipping the hot tea when the phone began ringing. Maria asked her if she could reply to it.
Mawra was hesitant while picking it up, she wasn't fluent in Spanish.
At the other end there was a shrill female voice, all she could understand was , she was asking for Daniyaal.
She politely replied in English that he wasn't around yet, most probably sleeping.
"Who are you?" the shrill voice sounded a bit more sharp.
"I am Mawra Suhail, why?"
"Daniel's cousin's little girl?" she inquired
"Daniel's cousin's daughter, yes", promptly she corrected her, feeling offensive though.
"Alright, just tell him to get back to me, I am finding his cell phone off"
"May I know who is this?" Though Mawra knew who she was supposed to be speaking so authoritatively of Daniel Malik, still she asked
"Helen" and with that she went off.
Mawra was already feeling very down when she put down the cordless phone on the center table. She was midway between the table and the kitchen when she stopped. With the tea mug still in her hand, her mind was stuck to one point. Something wasn't correct and it took her a few minutes to calculate what her mind was signaling to. Turning around , she took a few hurried steps to pick up the phone again, searching through the call log, it did not take much time to find the number. She went back to the call log of her cell phone and there it was, the same number, almost two months back, she received an early morning call from it.
Her hands began to shook, her legs went weak. It was Helen's home number and Daniel used the number to contact her asking about her father the other day. How could she forget that husky voice which tingled her nerve endings all through the skin. The very first time when she discovere a half awakened man's husky voice could be so attractive, and how it arose her every pore.
The dilemma was the point which was unnerving her now was more intense than the memory of that voice. It was the imagination of Daniel being in Halen's home spending the night. And most probably he was calling from her bed. Her throat constricted and her breath ragged. For a moment she felt her heart stop beating.
And the more severely painful blow was imagining the all so beautiful and sexy Helen Martinez in her sexy lingerie and what about her being all without clothes? There was an unseen tear that slid down her cheek while she attempted to control her tattered breaths.
She was shaking so badly that when suddenly he heard Daniel coming down the stairs towards the kitchen for breakfast, She could not fathom her own status. The only reflex was to run away and hide somewhere out of reach of this handsomely tormenting man.
"Beunas mananas amiga", he was all smiles like always
"Good morning: she could barely whisper in response.
"So ill have a lovely company with me at breakfast today huh?" His charms were eternal and his smile killing.
"I am sorry but I really don't feel like eating at the moment, and if you please excuse me?"
With that she ran upstairs to the room she was staying in, weeping all the way. The blow to her heart was more than she could bear. She was madly attracted to the man who was not hers and will never be. And who was so intimately involved with this other woman. The most elegant one she had ever come across.
She never knew love could be so madly, insanely, wildly, foolishly and extremely painful.
Yet her heart was still yearning for the man she was hating this moment.
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She left the room leaving him bewildered. For a moment he thought he saw unshed tears in her eyes. But what could have gone wrong.
Maria could only tell him that Mawra spoke to someone as the phone rang. He saw the call log and dialed back. Helen was expectedly in a complaining mood but he could not ask her what type of conversation they both had a while ago.
He had to come to a conclusion all by himself, he thought while having breakfast half heartedly. His day had begun but with a hard feeling.
Sometimes we move ahead considering our situation to be the only hard hitted fact. At others we find only our heart broken. What we tend to ignore is the fact that the other person might also be correct in justifying things. Or may be they are still able to relate to us and feel our pain.
Mawra moved upstairs hurriedly not even looking back not even accepting the fact that seeing her in such a state had already ruined Daniel's day.
He was still thinking about her standing in the corridor of his workplace which was a smoking zone and they had to be here if they need to smoke. It was his third one. And similar was the number of his black coffee.
He kept wondering what could have gone wrong between the two of them. He picked up his cell phone to speak to her for the tenth time but he could not. Sometimes its better to give time and space to settle things down.
Mawra was very dear to her and she was his guest now. And she was such a lovely person. He could not see her being hurt. He ran a hand through his hair. This state of mind would not lead him.anywhere. He turned off his laptop and called home. It was weekend and he had to give his guests sometime. He should take them our for sight seeing.
He called bibijan and they begin planning for an evening out.
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" how could you judge someone's feelings? How could you ever know whats in their heart? " sila asked
If Sila thought these questions never occured to Mawra, she was wrong. She had been pondering the same.
It was one thimg spending time with somebody being friends and sharing everyday routine. It was another being in love and feeling the tenderness for them.
This was the dilemma of one sided affairs, crushes or un expressed feelings.
It was the ache that everyone in love had to go through. She was not alone.
' I know one thing sila, if I ever see him again and look into his eyes, i will have the answer to all my queries. Eyes are the windows to the soul and I would never miss this chance again"
"What if you dont see what you expect to see in his eyes?" Sila was being so practical, it hurt.
She closed her eyes with a painful expression on her face.
"I will surrender to the truth then. I know he had had many women in his life and i do not even come close to their charms. Ill accept the defeat, will bid him goodbye forever and then will never expect him to love me back."
" will you get married to shaheer then?"
" ill get married then because thats what my parents want. Shaheer or anyone else , do not make any difference" her lips trembled and her eye lashes were wet at the thought of not being loved.
But realities were hard to admit and hard to confess.
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It was one thing not having access
It was another having access and denying the right to contact
He was in her palms. she watched the cell phone lying in her palm then, at a mere distance of a single touch.
She knew all the places to connect to him, yet they were miles apart, at a distance which makes words go silent.
They were in a state of denial. They both.
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They were in classroom waiting for the last lecture to begin when suddenly Mawra picked up her bag and moved to leave. Sila looked at her with a quizzical brow.
'Im going. No intention to attend thd lecture' said Mawra
'But why?' Asked sila
'You know my moods' shrugging her shoulders she moved out of the lecture hall
All she wanted was to be alone. To spend sometime with herself. The walk from her department to the main university gate was already half an hour long. Usually her driver used to pick her up right outside her department. But she had other plans in mind today.
There was this another road leading to the alternative gate of university,mainly used by the faculty members and residents living inside university campus. It was solitary, green and much longer. She took the road to walk alone. The driver was already been instructed to collect her from the alternative gate.
It was a silent autumn afternoon. As silent as she was. Inside out. She was walking on a road surrounded by thick woods from both sides, creating shade and shadow both. Good for her as she already wanted to hide behind a veil.
Bow headed deep in thoughts,clad in black kuta embroidered with a single white motif on shoulder with a pair of black jeans. Her head covered with a printed black and white stole.
It was a month now since she was back from Spain. The trip that had given her smiles and tearsm, nearness and abstinence, pleasure and pain. It was those moments she was trying to re-live now,neing alone. As you need to remember if you want to forget. So in attempt to forget she was remembering.
From the day she landed into Madrid to the day she saw Helen. Their trip to Ibiza islands and her first travel through a ferry. The museums and shoppings,the food and dance. The Flamenco dance festival and the swimming sessions but the most important of all were those few special moments with him alone.
And now she was back with almost no contact with him. It was a deliberate effort on her part as she did not want to disturb him while he was doing preparations for his wedding.
A tight bolus of tear obstructed her throat. She hardly managed a deep breath and looked above at the sky. Dark clouds were covering the sunrays to the maximum. The visual acuity was getting low. There was a forecast of thunderstorm today. She recalled. She heard a thunderous sound of an angry cloud and with the gap of few moments there was a bolt of lightening. Fear of being alone in jungle enveloped her. She quickened her steps.
The first raindrop hit her head and she knew thge very moment it would not be comforting. It was a thunderstorm by every mean. The alternative university gate was still very far and there was no human around. Occasionaly a car or
Two passed her by but she remained un noticed.
In the next few minutes she was drenched with rain water. Suddenly she heard her cell phone ringing But she could not risk taking it out of thed bag. It was safe inside. There was no shade or sherlter to stop and call her driver. But then the driver wasnot allowed to bring the car in frtom the alternative gate as he didnot have the gate pass. She had made a huge mistake and now she was in a fix.
She felt like weeping. And one by one remembered everyone. Mom dad imad bibi jaan and daniel. How would he react at her stupidity? Only remembering him made her tears flow more. 'O Allah please help me.' She was praying and was almost running now. But there wad no escape from this thunderstorm that had hit her hard. She walked and ran constantly for the next ten minutes. But she was shivering withcold and her peripheries were cyanosed. She needed rescue.
Suddenly a cars headlight began to follow her. And then she could hear the cars horn asking for her attention. She was scared to even lookback. Kidnapper? The only thought that came to her mind.
Then she heard the car stop just behind her. Mawra began running. She heard the car door open and felt someone coming out. Her heart stopped of terror. She was about to faint.
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She was in his arms, so close that she could hear his heart beating and could feel his ragged breaths on her skin. In a state unbeknownst to her, she was shivering with cold, was it the weather or was she ill? And where was she and why was she in such an intimate state with him? She refused to think of answering any of such questions. It was this moment she wanted to live-on. This time forever.
She was shivering uncontrollably now. In the distance she was hearing a noise that was disturbing her intimacy and privacy. Wasn't it a moment of silence?
She was semi conscious the day she was caught in the thunderstorm in the university, the car's headlights, the opening doors, she was remembering everything now. They were not kidnappers, they were her friends. Sila, Saba and Saba's brother Shaheer. She was just saved from being fainted but she was badly effected by cold then, they turned on the car's heating system for her and came all the way to drop her home, the driver was too surprised and followed suit.
And since last two days she was home, in bed, caught with flu and high grade fever. Drowsy and in delirium. Whenever fever subsides a little she would walk up to the window to get some fresh air but most of the time she was too weak and semi conscious because of the raising temperature.
And now as she was feeling his warm skin next to her cold shivering body, it was this noise that was annoying her. She did not want to wake up but she had to. It was her very own cellphone.
With trembling hands and eyes semi-closed she answered the phone call. It had a pause of few seconds enough to tell her who was at the other end.
"So hows the post adventure situation amiga?" His tone was certainly not sympathetic.
"Im good, how are you"
"I am too good after knowing your condition and and your zealous adventures. You know what I think, girls like you should either stay home or be sent everywhere with a security person" , his aggressive tone was making her shiver a bit more.
"It was an accident and I was caught in thunderstorm, you have no right to judge me like this"
"Why on earth all the accidents are meant to happen with you? Why did you go alone on a walk on the secluded path. For heaven's sake you should realize you live in Karachi and any harm could occur to you any moment, why did you have to send your driver away?"
"If you know so many things, you should also know that I am running fever at the moment and can not answer your questions. And do not try to be my guardian angel because you are not."
"Ah even in the state of fever you are as crispy, I like that amiga" his laughter was instantaneous.
"Thank you so much for your call and now if you please let me have some sleep". She was obviously annoyed and the abandoned connection with him for the last month were getting back to her now.
"Yes sure, you should go back to rest but before that can you tell me if you took medicine", his concern was obvious
"No I did not, not yet, I am shivering badly" she felt like weeping.
"Somebody should stay with you Mawra. Ill ask Bibi jan, sleep if you wish to but remember one thing, guardian angel or not, I am not away. And I care. Beunas noches"
He was gone and so was her intimate dream. The realities were harsh.
She closed her eyes to forget reality and wished to get back to her dream.
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Spread on the bed was a plain black pure chiffon sari, with the same colored silk blouse embellished delicately with black pearls and sequences. she gently traced the fabric with her fingers, they begin to burn. It was a burning memory of their only romantic evening together. A tender tear ran though her left eye. Suddenly she was short of breath. Those were the most dearest moments in her memory book and it was hard to let them go. Yet she was trying. In her heart of hearts she knew it to be a failing attempt, yet she was trying. She picked up the far corner of her sari and brought it near the flame of the perfumed candle and waited for a while. And then she let the most delicate chiffon fabric run through her fingers on to the flame. She could imagine it catch the fire but it did not. Oh now she remembered. The pure chiffon fabric never catches fire, some years ago a tailor told her. In desperation she threw away the fabric on to the floor and walk over her favorite sari across the room.
It was Versace bright crystal she was holding now. she moved to the full length mirror of her dressing table and removed the crystal cap, the transparent bottle was more than half full with the pink perfumed fluid. She began to spray, on her hair and then on her neck, on her wrist, until she saw the ring in her ring finger. A wave of anger enveloped her entire being and she threw the whole bottle of her favorite gift on to the opposite wall. With a horrific sound it shattered into innumerable pieces on to the floor. And so did she. Shattered, on to the floor, with a heart broken into innumerable pieces.
She gave away all the reminisces she had. Except the memory neurons of the brain. There was no giving away for that.
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He was short of breath.
The running a mile this lovely summer morning had made him breathless. He was sweating too but then it was his daily routine. He loved the morning walks and jogs.
Reaching near the white picket fence around his small cottage, he was delighted to see the varying colored roses blooming. He loved gardening, flowers, butterflies and fragrance near him. He was a nature lover. The small lawn did not take him much to cross but when he reached the entrance of his cottage he sensed something different in the atmosphere. He stopped and concentrated. He heard some voice. A deeply engrossed voice in a language he could not understand. He turned back and moved towards the direction of the voice.
And there he found her. Tucked in the farthest corner of this small lawn just beneath the right far corner of the white picket fence, surrounded by the white sunflower plant, she was reciting the Holy book. It was the recital that mesmerized him. He knew it was Arabic and he was not familiar with the language. Her recital made him feel like understanding it. It was strange. He wanted to hear it more yet did not want to distract her.
Silently he moved towards where she was sitting on the grass and without making any noise sat beside her. Her concentration was immense, she did not even notice his presence. She was reading as if she understood each word.
خَتَمَ ٱللَّهُ عَلَىٰ قُلُوبِهِمْ وَعَلَىٰ سَمْعِهِمْ ۖ وَعَلَىٰٓ أَبْصَٰرِهِمْ غِشَٰوَةٌ ۖ وَلَهُمْ عَذَابٌ عَظِيمٌ
He found his heart beating faster.
Then as she reached this verse
يُخَٰدِعُونَ ٱللَّهَ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَمَا يَخْدَعُونَ إِلَّآ أَنفُسَهُمْ وَمَا يَشْعُرُونَ
He felt an unknown curiosity growing inside him.
فِى قُلُوبِهِم مَّرَضٌ فَزَادَهُمُ ٱللَّهُ مَرَضًا ۖ وَلَهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمٌۢ بِمَا كَانُوا۟ يَكْذِبُونَ
He was watching and hearing her simultaneously. She was wearing a white hijab around her head over her night pajamas. She appeared to be a combination of purity and innocence. He was not sure what was attracting him more. Her presence or this recital.
He never read Quran, although he was a Muslim by birth. He never truly believed in the verses too. He was not even ashamed of accepting the fact that without the denial he would never be able to find his true Lord. So he was still in the process of finding his own path that could lead him to the Almighty. Certainly he was not going to accept what was transferred to him through birth.
She finished reciting and kissed the Holy book and then gave him a sheepish smile. Probably she did not expect him to join in.
"Do you understand what you read senorita?"
"I do to an extent. Or at least I make an effort to. That is why I have this version of Quran with the translation"
"Good. At least you are not reading and following blindly like many others." , he said.
"Do you know Arabic?" she asked
"No Amiga. And I don't even read Quran." He paused to see her expressions. She was annoyed. He smiled.
"Can you read me the translation of the verses you were reciting?" That made her happy. She obliged.
خَتَمَ ٱللَّهُ عَلَىٰ قُلُوبِهِمْ وَعَلَىٰ سَمْعِهِمْ ۖ وَعَلَىٰٓ أَبْصَٰرِهِمْ غِشَٰوَةٌ ۖ وَلَهُمْ عَذَابٌ عَظِيمٌ
God has set a seal on their hearts and on their hearing, and over their vision is a veil. They will have a severe torment.
يُخَٰدِعُونَ ٱللَّهَ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَمَا يَخْدَعُونَ إِلَّآ أَنفُسَهُمْ وَمَا يَشْعُرُونَ
They seek to deceive God and those who believe, but they deceive none but themselves, though they are not aware.
فِى قُلُوبِهِم مَّرَضٌ فَزَادَهُمُ ٱللَّهُ مَرَضًا ۖ وَلَهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمٌۢ بِمَا كَانُوا۟ يَكْذِبُونَ
In their hearts is sickness, and God has increased their sickness. They will have a painful punishment because of their denial.
Something moved inside his heart. He was sure it was her voice and not the words she was repeating. He got up silently and left her where she was.
She, being left alone was thinking of this ever transitioning man she was so in love with and prayed silently for him.
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Few words said and few gestures made in past could have different meanings when you look back in time and think over. He was thinking over today.
He had bought ticket for her to visit museum Del Prado, the largest art museum in Madrid. She did not want to go alone but no one in the family was interested and daniel did not have enough time. So she agreed to go alone while he was leaving home early to drop her to museum on his way to work. The museum was to open at 9:00 AM.
On their way she noticed , Madrid roads were as busy and bustling with traffic as any other busy city around the world. A few traffic jams, horns and people hastily rushing towards their destination. He was driving quietly and she did not feel like distracting him, so without giving him any reason to feel disturbed, she kept looking around and also looking at him.
He was looking handsome in a blue pinstripe shirt and his eyes were covered with shades, for the sun was high and shining. Suddenly she noticed she was also wearing the shades of blue. A white kurta with blue neckline embroidery with a pair of blue jeans and blue headscarf. They were matched. Unintentionally though.
"what are you thinking amiga?" he asked , bringing her out of her dreamworld.
"Nothing important." for a moment she blushed, how could she tell him she was thinking about both of them.
"Really? I thought I saw you smiling. May be you wouldn't like to share or should I not insist?
She caught the teasing smile in his speech and felt lighter.
"No you should not, there are somethings girls do not like to share with men."
His laughter was candid and then he told him they were at Gran Via , the most famous and central street of Madrid.
Museum was nearby now. He dropped her near the museum, with her ticket and a bundle of instructions.
"Please do not worry. I am a big girl remember?" she smiled
"And so pretty on top of that. A pretty and lonely girl is very charming to Madrilenos. So be careful. Ill catch you around lunch time. Make sure your cell is on."
With that he was gone and she joined the long queue for entrance to this grand museum.
She was an art lover and it was her very first time in a European art museum. She remember the instructions given by Daniel and started her tour accordingly. The guide book also informed her about the Vincent Van Gogh exhibition, further increasing her excitement.
Five hours went by and still half of the museum remained unseen, her cell phone was ringing reminding her that Daniel was already waiting outside.
They walked across the street and she found herself surrounded by many fountains, it was such a pleasant site and she did not forget to mention that.
It was a few minutes walk and they were now in front of a small restaurants tucked neatly at the corner of one of the streets. Settling down on their table and as he ordered Tapas for her, everything seemed so dreamy to her. Was she really having lunch with him? It was getting hard for her to keep her nerves intact.
"So how was the experience senorina?"
"Truly amazing."
"Seems you are much interested in art. Why didn't you learn art then?" he asked looking intently at her.
"I can not draw well or may be i am not that creative but I really appreciate creativity."
"Hmm. Ok. So did you meet any handsome guys asking for your time?" teasingly he asked.
"I did", she said smoothly with a fake seriousness.
"Wow, I was right then. So what did you say?"
"I said I had already been asked out for lunch today, may be some other time" she said and noticed his reaction. He laughed and nodded his head. He was so open about it all, she never felt hesitant in expressing. That was the best part about his presence. That was the comfort she drew in his company.
It was a lovely lunch having tapas with cheese and olives. It was a great day when he heard her laughing freely. It was the day when he felt a tinge of jealousy when she mentioned the other guy. He did not notice then.
He was thinking over now.
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Her nights were lonelier now, more than ever, since this very morning when she found out some more about his intimate life.
Though it should not have been her concern nonetheless she was concerned about him. By days, hours, minutes and seconds. It was growing deeper,unknowingly and unintentionally.
It was a lovely summer morning when after early morning in-lawn walk, she entered this small cottage, which was home to her beloved. She was in a specially exciting mood today and she had a plan to do some cooking for him.
In the kitchen Maria Jose was already on her heels. Moving and clattering and banging. Mawra smiled. "Seems Maria is already on her way to cook breakfast" , she thought.
"Beunas mananas", Mawra wished her good morning
Maria smiled at her speaking Spanish and replied with much zeal.
"whats up madam? What are you cooking? "
"Making breakfast for Dan"
"oh, what does he prefer for a breakfast?" Maria was one source for her to know him deeper
" He prefers it English way, egg, toast and tea."
"No desi breakfast like Parathas?" she asked again
"I never saw him eating that"
"I was planning to make desi nashta for him" smilingly she shared her secret with maria
"oh child, you should better ask him first. I am not sure he would eat parata in breakfast."
"No problem, Ill do that" Mawra replied calmly while making herself green tea.
She was sipping the hot tea when the phone began ringing. Maria asked her if she could reply to it.
Mawra was hesitant while picking it up, she wasn't fluent in Spanish.
At the other end there was a shrill female voice, all she could understand was , she was asking for Daniyaal.
She politely replied in English that he wasn't around yet, most probably sleeping.
"Who are you?" the shrill voice sounded a bit more sharp.
"I am Mawra Suhail, why?"
"Daniel's cousin's little girl?" she inquired
"Daniel's cousin's daughter, yes", promptly she corrected her, feeling offensive though.
"Alright, just tell him to get back to me, I am finding his cell phone off"
"May I know who is this?" Though Mawra knew who she was supposed to be speaking so authoritatively of Daniel Malik, still she asked
"Helen" and with that she went off.
Mawra was already feeling very down when she put down the cordless phone on the center table. She was midway between the table and the kitchen when she stopped. With the tea mug still in her hand, her mind was stuck to one point. Something wasn't correct and it took her a few minutes to calculate what her mind was signaling to. Turning around , she took a few hurried steps to pick up the phone again, searching through the call log, it did not take much time to find the number. She went back to the call log of her cell phone and there it was, the same number, almost two months back, she received an early morning call from it.
Her hands began to shook, her legs went weak. It was Helen's home number and Daniel used the number to contact her asking about her father the other day. How could she forget that husky voice which tingled her nerve endings all through the skin. The very first time when she discovere a half awakened man's husky voice could be so attractive, and how it arose her every pore.
The dilemma was the point which was unnerving her now was more intense than the memory of that voice. It was the imagination of Daniel being in Halen's home spending the night. And most probably he was calling from her bed. Her throat constricted and her breath ragged. For a moment she felt her heart stop beating.
And the more severely painful blow was imagining the all so beautiful and sexy Helen Martinez in her sexy lingerie and what about her being all without clothes? There was an unseen tear that slid down her cheek while she attempted to control her tattered breaths.
She was shaking so badly that when suddenly he heard Daniel coming down the stairs towards the kitchen for breakfast, She could not fathom her own status. The only reflex was to run away and hide somewhere out of reach of this handsomely tormenting man.
"Beunas mananas amiga", he was all smiles like always
"Good morning: she could barely whisper in response.
"So ill have a lovely company with me at breakfast today huh?" His charms were eternal and his smile killing.
"I am sorry but I really don't feel like eating at the moment, and if you please excuse me?"
With that she ran upstairs to the room she was staying in, weeping all the way. The blow to her heart was more than she could bear. She was madly attracted to the man who was not hers and will never be. And who was so intimately involved with this other woman. The most elegant one she had ever come across.
She never knew love could be so madly, insanely, wildly, foolishly and extremely painful.
Yet her heart was still yearning for the man she was hating this moment.
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She left the room leaving him bewildered. For a moment he thought he saw unshed tears in her eyes. But what could have gone wrong.
Maria could only tell him that Mawra spoke to someone as the phone rang. He saw the call log and dialed back. Helen was expectedly in a complaining mood but he could not ask her what type of conversation they both had a while ago.
He had to come to a conclusion all by himself, he thought while having breakfast half heartedly. His day had begun but with a hard feeling.
Sometimes we move ahead considering our situation to be the only hard hitted fact. At others we find only our heart broken. What we tend to ignore is the fact that the other person might also be correct in justifying things. Or may be they are still able to relate to us and feel our pain.
Mawra moved upstairs hurriedly not even looking back not even accepting the fact that seeing her in such a state had already ruined Daniel's day.
He was still thinking about her standing in the corridor of his workplace which was a smoking zone and they had to be here if they need to smoke. It was his third one. And similar was the number of his black coffee.
He kept wondering what could have gone wrong between the two of them. He picked up his cell phone to speak to her for the tenth time but he could not. Sometimes its better to give time and space to settle things down.
Mawra was very dear to her and she was his guest now. And she was such a lovely person. He could not see her being hurt. He ran a hand through his hair. This state of mind would not lead him.anywhere. He turned off his laptop and called home. It was weekend and he had to give his guests sometime. He should take them our for sight seeing.
He called bibijan and they begin planning for an evening out.
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" how could you judge someone's feelings? How could you ever know whats in their heart? " sila asked
If Sila thought these questions never occured to Mawra, she was wrong. She had been pondering the same.
It was one thimg spending time with somebody being friends and sharing everyday routine. It was another being in love and feeling the tenderness for them.
This was the dilemma of one sided affairs, crushes or un expressed feelings.
It was the ache that everyone in love had to go through. She was not alone.
' I know one thing sila, if I ever see him again and look into his eyes, i will have the answer to all my queries. Eyes are the windows to the soul and I would never miss this chance again"
"What if you dont see what you expect to see in his eyes?" Sila was being so practical, it hurt.
She closed her eyes with a painful expression on her face.
"I will surrender to the truth then. I know he had had many women in his life and i do not even come close to their charms. Ill accept the defeat, will bid him goodbye forever and then will never expect him to love me back."
" will you get married to shaheer then?"
" ill get married then because thats what my parents want. Shaheer or anyone else , do not make any difference" her lips trembled and her eye lashes were wet at the thought of not being loved.
But realities were hard to admit and hard to confess.
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It was one thing not having access
It was another having access and denying the right to contact
He was in her palms. she watched the cell phone lying in her palm then, at a mere distance of a single touch.
She knew all the places to connect to him, yet they were miles apart, at a distance which makes words go silent.
They were in a state of denial. They both.
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They were in classroom waiting for the last lecture to begin when suddenly Mawra picked up her bag and moved to leave. Sila looked at her with a quizzical brow.
'Im going. No intention to attend thd lecture' said Mawra
'But why?' Asked sila
'You know my moods' shrugging her shoulders she moved out of the lecture hall
All she wanted was to be alone. To spend sometime with herself. The walk from her department to the main university gate was already half an hour long. Usually her driver used to pick her up right outside her department. But she had other plans in mind today.
There was this another road leading to the alternative gate of university,mainly used by the faculty members and residents living inside university campus. It was solitary, green and much longer. She took the road to walk alone. The driver was already been instructed to collect her from the alternative gate.
It was a silent autumn afternoon. As silent as she was. Inside out. She was walking on a road surrounded by thick woods from both sides, creating shade and shadow both. Good for her as she already wanted to hide behind a veil.
Bow headed deep in thoughts,clad in black kuta embroidered with a single white motif on shoulder with a pair of black jeans. Her head covered with a printed black and white stole.
It was a month now since she was back from Spain. The trip that had given her smiles and tearsm, nearness and abstinence, pleasure and pain. It was those moments she was trying to re-live now,neing alone. As you need to remember if you want to forget. So in attempt to forget she was remembering.
From the day she landed into Madrid to the day she saw Helen. Their trip to Ibiza islands and her first travel through a ferry. The museums and shoppings,the food and dance. The Flamenco dance festival and the swimming sessions but the most important of all were those few special moments with him alone.
And now she was back with almost no contact with him. It was a deliberate effort on her part as she did not want to disturb him while he was doing preparations for his wedding.
A tight bolus of tear obstructed her throat. She hardly managed a deep breath and looked above at the sky. Dark clouds were covering the sunrays to the maximum. The visual acuity was getting low. There was a forecast of thunderstorm today. She recalled. She heard a thunderous sound of an angry cloud and with the gap of few moments there was a bolt of lightening. Fear of being alone in jungle enveloped her. She quickened her steps.
The first raindrop hit her head and she knew thge very moment it would not be comforting. It was a thunderstorm by every mean. The alternative university gate was still very far and there was no human around. Occasionaly a car or
Two passed her by but she remained un noticed.
In the next few minutes she was drenched with rain water. Suddenly she heard her cell phone ringing But she could not risk taking it out of thed bag. It was safe inside. There was no shade or sherlter to stop and call her driver. But then the driver wasnot allowed to bring the car in frtom the alternative gate as he didnot have the gate pass. She had made a huge mistake and now she was in a fix.
She felt like weeping. And one by one remembered everyone. Mom dad imad bibi jaan and daniel. How would he react at her stupidity? Only remembering him made her tears flow more. 'O Allah please help me.' She was praying and was almost running now. But there wad no escape from this thunderstorm that had hit her hard. She walked and ran constantly for the next ten minutes. But she was shivering withcold and her peripheries were cyanosed. She needed rescue.
Suddenly a cars headlight began to follow her. And then she could hear the cars horn asking for her attention. She was scared to even lookback. Kidnapper? The only thought that came to her mind.
Then she heard the car stop just behind her. Mawra began running. She heard the car door open and felt someone coming out. Her heart stopped of terror. She was about to faint.
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She was in his arms, so close that she could hear his heart beating and could feel his ragged breaths on her skin. In a state unbeknownst to her, she was shivering with cold, was it the weather or was she ill? And where was she and why was she in such an intimate state with him? She refused to think of answering any of such questions. It was this moment she wanted to live-on. This time forever.
She was shivering uncontrollably now. In the distance she was hearing a noise that was disturbing her intimacy and privacy. Wasn't it a moment of silence?
She was semi conscious the day she was caught in the thunderstorm in the university, the car's headlights, the opening doors, she was remembering everything now. They were not kidnappers, they were her friends. Sila, Saba and Saba's brother Shaheer. She was just saved from being fainted but she was badly effected by cold then, they turned on the car's heating system for her and came all the way to drop her home, the driver was too surprised and followed suit.
And since last two days she was home, in bed, caught with flu and high grade fever. Drowsy and in delirium. Whenever fever subsides a little she would walk up to the window to get some fresh air but most of the time she was too weak and semi conscious because of the raising temperature.
And now as she was feeling his warm skin next to her cold shivering body, it was this noise that was annoying her. She did not want to wake up but she had to. It was her very own cellphone.
With trembling hands and eyes semi-closed she answered the phone call. It had a pause of few seconds enough to tell her who was at the other end.
"So hows the post adventure situation amiga?" His tone was certainly not sympathetic.
"Im good, how are you"
"I am too good after knowing your condition and and your zealous adventures. You know what I think, girls like you should either stay home or be sent everywhere with a security person" , his aggressive tone was making her shiver a bit more.
"It was an accident and I was caught in thunderstorm, you have no right to judge me like this"
"Why on earth all the accidents are meant to happen with you? Why did you go alone on a walk on the secluded path. For heaven's sake you should realize you live in Karachi and any harm could occur to you any moment, why did you have to send your driver away?"
"If you know so many things, you should also know that I am running fever at the moment and can not answer your questions. And do not try to be my guardian angel because you are not."
"Ah even in the state of fever you are as crispy, I like that amiga" his laughter was instantaneous.
"Thank you so much for your call and now if you please let me have some sleep". She was obviously annoyed and the abandoned connection with him for the last month were getting back to her now.
"Yes sure, you should go back to rest but before that can you tell me if you took medicine", his concern was obvious
"No I did not, not yet, I am shivering badly" she felt like weeping.
"Somebody should stay with you Mawra. Ill ask Bibi jan, sleep if you wish to but remember one thing, guardian angel or not, I am not away. And I care. Beunas noches"
He was gone and so was her intimate dream. The realities were harsh.
She closed her eyes to forget reality and wished to get back to her dream.
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